Education and Awareness - What is Consent?

I know the last few weeks we have seen and heard so much about sexual assault in the news. I know we want to be done with it. But the best thing we can do for ourselves and each other is to be informed. If you have children or teach children, please talk to them about consent. Resources at bottom of post.

I want to be clear: sexual assault is not anecdotal - it’s epidemic. It happens every single day and we are in desperate need of awareness and education around this fact to be able to achieve a culture shift.

• Every 98 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted

• Every 8 minutes, that victim is a child

• Meanwhile, only 6 out of every 1,000 perpetrators will end up in prison

• 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before they turn 18 years old

• 1 in 3 women experience some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime

• 1 in 5 women are raped, and 1 in 71 men are raped

• 8 out of 10 victims knew their rapist

• 91% of victims of rape and sexual assault are female and 9% are male

• Rape is the most under-reported crime; 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police

• The prevalence of false reporting is low — between 2% and 10%

The above statistics and figures are based on studies you can review here and here.

How to talk to kids about consent here.

Helpful 3 minute consent video here.

How this teacher is handling consent in her classroom found here.

Invisible Shackles

Guest Post by LaMonica Richard

If you are here it is because you want to learn how to be an advocate for black women and women of color both in the workplace and in life. But before we can find solutions we must identify the issues, know the history, and understand the differences.

To be an advocate, you need to understand that while we have similarities, shared experiences, the same desires (we want to live a life of happiness and success) we also have an additional set of issues and concerns. The main point I want you to take away from today is this:  black women grow up in America with negative historical and social influences that shape our experiences as women.

This starts when we are very young. Imagine growing up with negative and powerful constructs placed on you simply because you exist in a different color.

Even if we are not formally taught about race we experience it throughout our whole lives and it affects us daily.

Often, people see black women as powerful, unshakeable creatures, who are not allowed to cry or be weak. We are powerful, unshakeable creatures but we are also human women, with deep emotions.

Black girls in America begin our journey into becoming women with the shame of slavery, rape as a way of life, colorism, over-sexualization, institutionalized racism constantly scarring and killing our bodies. When a black girl comes into womanhood there are so many things she experiences that you cannot relate to. As I sat down to put my thoughts to paper I did not realize how deep the wounds of ‘just existing’ cut me. But here is part of my story:

When I was 12 years old I wanted to be white

My idols were Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears

I worshipped them

With their long blonde hair

White flawless skin

Cute button noses

To me to be them was to be right

To be white was to be loved

Because all the characters in rom coms and sitcoms found love in their white and beige worlds of hair highlights and coffee dates

I remember watching my white girl friends brush their hair with ease

Put makeup on their skin

Thinking, I wish I were pretty like them

I wish the boys that liked them liked me

But knew because of the deep complexion of my skin

I was too dark

Too nappy

Too ugly

Too black

Because that is what the mainstream culture of America taught me

Even as I plowed through magazines made for black women

The complexions and hair textures of their white washed interpretation of black made me feel all too familiar

Too dark

Too nappy

Too ugly

Too black

So I struggled

Repulsed by my dark skin

Annoyed with my curves

Hating my lips

Depressed about my wide nose

Saddened that girls who looked like me did not fall in love on tv and in movies and in books

But were video hoes

That girls who looked like me were too dumb to be educated and too quick to act ghetto

That girls who looked like me were disposable

While white girls were precious and pretty and lovable

Growing up I didn’t have

Kerry Washington’s

Viola Davis’s

Taraji P Henson’s

Michelle Obama’s

I had stereotypes of black women who were Mammies, Jezebels, Welfare Queens, and Angry

I rarely saw examples of myself represented and appreciated

During K-12 I was made fun of for my features by kids in the same color family as me

And not fully embraced by those who looked different than me

But college gave me the worst reality check

An uppercut so hard I felt my teeth bleed

I was subjected to Jim Crow racism as a young black woman

In hallways, white men with donation records far surpassing my college tuition

Mistook me for other black girls they heard about

“are you that little Jamaican girl here on scholarship”

“are you the girl from Africa”

“are you on the track team”

“what country are you from”

They wanted to know where their money was going

As if I were an investment they wanted to look over like we were at an auction block

I imagine none of the white students were subjected to this type of torture

But most of the time students were the worst offenders

They were the first ones to call me the N word

They asked me questions with straight faces like

“Do they make deodorant for black people?”

“Is your pubic and leg hair like the hair on your head?”

“And do you actually tan”

“Why is your hair so different?”

White boys who showed interest in me suddenly had issues me

Because I was black

Once I cut myself shaving

The pink and white flesh underneath my thin layer of black skin frightened them

Their frail minds could not comprehend how underneath I was biologically the same

But I was not the same

Because since I was a little girl I’ve been repeatedly told who I am by all sides

That I am too loud

I am too aggressive

I have too much attitude

My butt is too big

My hair is bad

My skin is too dark

I am too intimidating

I am too strong

I am too wild

I am not soft

All boiled down to mean I am a black woman and that is wrong

I’ve been plagued with race, colorism, beauty standards that don’t even include me

Struggling to be desirable in a white landscape

Struggling to be desirable amongst my own people

Sexualized since puberty

Reminded of my place in my community and in this country

Constantly told my black body is not my own but for men & boys by my own culture and that’s the only thing that makes me desirable by white America

All reinforcing that majority of people only see my skin color but do not see my mind and my heart

I once had a white man tap me on the shoulder when I was out with friends to ask me “why do black people like to be victims?”

He went on to tell me how the “Irish were slaves too but he did not see them complaining.”

A white guy I dated told me he thought black women were supposed to be strong and independent (a slave stereotype) when I showed too much emotion for him.

I’ve had several young women tell me they were afraid of me, that I scared them, and they thought I was mean before they ever had a conversation with me.

I CONSTANTLY get questions about my hair

And have become a magnet for white women who’ve adopted black girls from Africa

They come up to me at work and in the grocery store

They express how difficult our hair is

How hard it is to manage

They ask me how I manage my own hair as if it were the most difficult, awful task

Never sharing positive adjectives

Just

Difficult

Nappy, too thick

Hard to manage

A lot to take care of

Otherwise, not white

I’ve been called a black bitch, oh but it was just a joke

Told to go back to Africa countless times

Had my hair compared to pubes

Scared that white men only want to date me for the experience of being with a black woman

Described as white washed

Had my blackness questioned as if the way I speak and carry myself prevents me from being really black

I’ve spit on

Told I couldn’t hang out with friends because their parents didn’t like black people

Dumped because his parents wouldn’t allow him to bring me home

I’ve been verbally assaulted and reduced to less than human

And yet, friends and people tell me to ignore it

As if it is not going to plague me the next day or week

That those people are ignorant

But I’ve been going through this my entire life

It’s not ignorance

It’s not “old people”

It’s not stupidity

It’s not he or she doesn’t know any better

It’s not “I didn’t mean it that way”

It’s RACISM

Racism is not just KKK or burning crosses in people’s yards

It’s not the distinct separation of bathrooms and water fountains and public transportation

It’s so subtle you don’t realize what you are doing and saying is hurtful and hateful because you still think of racism as JIM CROW and slavery

But It has been transformed into something almost unidentifiable, undetectable

Something transmitted through all cultures and ages

In the age of Obama and pop culture we were given a false sense that racism does not exist anymore

We believed having a black man in the white house proved we were no longer a country built on the systematic enslavement and destruction of generations of people purely based on their skin color

Then through pop culture we’ve appropriated black and minority cultures to make it mainstream

I have watched white women popularize big asses and big lips, braids, weaves and corn rows, dreadlocks, and curvy bodies when black women have been rocking most of these since the slave trade

I have seen black women trivialized and criticized for being themselves called

Ghetto

Ratchet

Hoodrat

While white girls who mimic the same are thought of as innovative, funny, and trendy.

But nevertheless, I persist

Then during the 2016 election I was constantly told to stand with her

That Hillary Rodham Clinton just like Obama was the change I needed

After all she is a feminist

And to vote for her was the feminist thing to do

But did everyone forget feminism was created and has been to the full benefit of white, straight women since its creation? Did she forget feminism historically has disenfranchised black women?

Why did she constantly tell this narrative of a woman struggling to make a difference to women who actually struggled just existing?

And then she lost.

And everyone who was with her suddenly was devastated because perhaps for the first time my fellow white feminists got a taste of living in a world where there was blatant discrimination against their bodies and against their existence by the future leader of our country but the American people disregarded their existence for the sake of tax breaks.

See the opposite of white is not black

Just like the opposite of straight is not gay

And sadly the opposite to Donald Trump was not Hillary Clinton

In the minds of many she represented all women but just like the movement – feminism has become this blanket term we use but who does it represent?

It’s never represented me.

It hasn’t looked out for my best interests.

It has not made me feel included.

It has not provided me with the tools to become a spokeswoman because I’m missing one pre-requisite.

I’m not white.

A lot of straight, white women will acknowledge this but they do not always remember because they did not have to grow up and deal with systematic racism as a little girl through womanhood.

They do not always realize their advantage when they strive to become equal with men because they only must fight the straight gender fight.

So if you want to advocate for us know we are created out of a place that is unknown to you

As a perceived straight, white woman, you grew up seeing yourself on tv

You grew up subconsciously knowing you were widely represented

You had authors who wrote about girls and women who looked like you

You saw white girls and white women in strong female lead roles and as leaders

You watched them fall in love with cute white boys and men

You heard stories of them fighting against male dominance

You had simple things like hair products that were widely available in every store

Magazines where you could find yourself

Makeup that was your shade

You never had fears that you did not get a job because you were white

You may have had insecurities about your body and yourself but you were not also tormented for being too dark or tried to bleach your skin to be prettier, or constantly reminded that you were not the majority or that your ancestor's country of origin is a vile place

As a perceived straight, white, woman you are born into an American society who is trained to see you first before black and women of color

To believe you before us

To trust you before us

To hold you on a pedestal 

To desire you

To want you

To praise you

You are actually the biggest recipients of affirmative action.

And while you have these white privileges none of this is to make you feel small because you are not. If you come to ask how you can help you must know and feel a level of discomfort to help you understand what you are trying to help us change: which is history.

And our history has shaped our present. Still, black women and women of color are not helpless or victims. I ask that people try to understand that we have more negative social and historical generational struggles that have been pushed on us since we were young. Despite this, we try to thrive and shine and hope and work for a future where girls of all colors can feel empowered.

And like the words of Maya Angelou, We Still Rise.

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops,

Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don’t you take it awful hard

‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines

Diggin’ in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I’ve got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame

I rise

Up from a past that’s rooted in pain

I rise

I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

I rise.

Navigating Polarization: My Hopes for a New Year

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

The Declaration of Independence

For those who stay up to date with social justice, reform, current events, global events, and dun dun dunnn...U.S. politics, last year was exhausting. If you buried yourself under a rock over the last 365 days congratulations on your mental and emotional health. It's surely in a better state than all of ours.

Most people who know my line of work can surmise where I stand politically and why one candidate's election outraged, frustrated, scared, and rattled me.

Generally, our moral ideals and values align with our political stance. But morals and politics spent the past year overlapping and intertwining in a way many of us have never experienced before. As decisions flooded from the White House at an overwhelming rate, it began to feel personal. 

I am honored to work for the nation’s leading victim assistance organization, Safe Horizon. Our mission is to provide support, prevent violence, and promote justice for victims of crime and abuse, their families and communities. Our clients are sexual assault survivors, immigrants, domestic violence survivors, women, minorities, victims of gun violence, LGBTQ, and homeless. As a nonprofit, we are also structurally affected by tax reform and federal budget cuts. The people who seek our services are people just like you and me - whose stories I have come to know and internalize. They are people I respect and fight for every single day. 

And those are just the White House decisions that felt personal to me. There was also the pipeline, the blatant denial of scientific evidence regarding the environment, healthcare, the attack on media, and more. So as you can see person-living-under-the-rock-for-the-past-year: exhausting. 

The other exhausting piece was the anger, confusion, frustration and blame I placed on those who voted him into office. As I look back, I was in a state of shock and disbelief. I was also grieving. I know better now.

And now that I know better, I will do better.

I know that I can't control what the administration does, but I can control my contributions to society and the way I stand for justice.

I know that no one has become more enlightened by being shamed about how much they do or do not know about the political sphere. 

I know that hate is exhausting while love is energizing. 

I know that I can stand my ground while remaining compassionate and open.

I know that what someone believes is fiercely personal - regardless of how foreign or wrong that belief may seem to another person. 

I know that I can't stop the hate that is spewed, but I can raise up the loving voices to make them louder. 

I know that if we are focused on ripping apart another person for the way they express their feminism we aren't moving forward.

I know that if we are constantly judging and criticizing one another on how we should or should not express our views we are not moving forward.

I know it is difficult, if not impossible, to understand those with views who oppose ours - but I also know we must try.

We must try, for the sake of forward movement.

Because I know that if we are constantly looking across the aisle and detesting, blaming, and hating those who voted for someone we don't morally align with or politically agree with we will never move forward.

We will stay stuck, in an ugly, fearful, hateful hole with no hope of getting out. 

Evil hates forgiveness, hates love, hates compassion, understanding, openness and kindness. Evil cannot survive the culmination of these things. So if we want less evil in this world we must be these things. We must be forgiveness. We must embody compassion. We must practice openness. We must summon the strength to love. We must move forward. 

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

- Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

*Articles and sources linked to this page are for educational purposes and are isolated examples, they do not resemble the whole of impact by the administration in 2017. Any counter-arguments to a link posted are kindly requested to be carefully and compassionately thought out after a period of seeking to understand. 

Feminism As A Trans Man

Guest post by Alexander Johnston with contributions by Blair Lamoreaux

Intersectional feminism is a topic that is near and dear to my heart, even if it might not get as much love as some other topics in our grand spectrum of human rights. It’s very easy to say you’re a feminist, actually its something that most people say automatically without thinking of the “why” behind the statement. “Do you believe that the sexes should be equal?” Sure! “Do you want equal pay?” Heck yeah! But there’s so much deeper to it than that, and I think that’s where a lot of people get lost when thinking about how feminism influences the queer community.

I was born and raised Alexandria, a name that I haven’t used for almost four years now. In the genetic lottery, I’ve probably won the jackpot, because I was born white and to a family that was mostly accepting despite the few outliers. Even if it might be stereotypical I knew that something was wrong practically my whole life, but not in the way that most sweet coming out stories go. I wasn’t particularly masculine, I didn’t tantrum when put in dresses, but despite this something in my brain was off. From a young age I, like many people, was subjected to the gender norms that we are forced to view in everyday life. Butch, femme, prep, goth, I lived it all as if my life was a puzzle except I was trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. You see, in our society to be a man is a set of tight parameters, and many people consider this an issue for young boys but rarely consider how this influences somebody with a budding transgender identity. Even rarer still is the consideration that somebody of male identity has experienced both ends of the gender spectrum. 

With that said, this isn’t an autobiography or the story of my hardships in a predominantly cis-minded world but rather an introduction to give you some insight on my position as a queer individual living in this world. As we come up on the anniversary of the Women’s March, and calling attention to the inequalities of this world, please be sure to keep in mind the privilege you have and how this might influence the way you see this world.

Here are a few examples:

1. Trans people are not your mascot, your excuse to riot, or your token minority friend. Too often in our current political climate people are looking for any reason to be angry and that includes using minorities in their circle as a source to victimize themselves. Don’t get me wrong, we appreciate the love and we appreciate that you are so passionate but be certain you are doing it for the right reasons. Why are you angry? Why are you passionate? And what are you going to do about it besides ranting on Facebook? Is this about you wanting change or you wanting an excuse to make a topic about yourself?

2. Learn to look below the surface, and expand past what you see. When discussing inequity too often I’ve had cisgender feminists look me up and down, then immediately write off what I have to say. Yes, I look male, I am male, but I grew up in a female world and have seen first hand how the universe changes when you present as a man. After changing genders on my ID, resume, and legal documents it seemed that the universe in which I existed had completely turned on its head. Job callbacks turned from 50%, into almost 90% of places I applied to, as did much of what employers asked me to do. Be open-minded, even below the surface, people might surprise you.

3. Advocate, even out of the spotlight, and because you want to not because its what you think you should do. What not many people know is that we can spot a limelight supporter from a mile away, and unfortunately, this was my big “why” moment behind my reason for needing feminism. When coming out to my family I was met with support from everyone in public, but behind the scenes the story was different. Sat down in my stepmother's office, I was met with the classic “we support you, but” statement followed by an hour of her telling me all the reasons she didn’t believe I presented as male. What followed was an hour of explanation as to why she didn’t believe I identified as a male that left me crying in my car. Two years later, and they only respond to texts when they need something or a holiday comes up that requires public appearances. You support and you advocate, or you don’t. There is no in between. And you do more damage trying to pretend to be something you’re not. Surprising, I know, but it’s better to take a long hard look at yourself and say “You know what, I’m not comfortable,” and come to terms with why. Once again, we can tell, we can tell, we can tell.

4. Know the word TERF, it stands for Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist, and its a very dangerous way of thinking. Trans women are still women, as are individuals who identify feminine but don’t want to put a gender to it. What is your definition of feminism? If it doesn’t include trans individuals, then it might be worth some hard thought.

5. Don’t be too hard on yourself. There is a learning curve for understanding and expanding your way of thinking. As long as you are trying that’s more than what we can ask of some people. Whether it's he, she, him, her, or they, them, xe, xer, learn pronouns and use them when asked. Misgendering when first meeting someone is common, apologize once, move on, and make sure you are using the correct identifiers even when the person is out of the room. If a year later you’re still constantly referring to someone by the wrong pronouns, it’s a big tip-off to the fact that we’re being misgendered behind our backs.

6. Finally, we don’t need every day cheerleader when all we’re doing is trying to exist. If you see a trans woman who is just trying to pee and point out how brave they are, it’s like a screaming reminder of how not passing they are. You wouldn’t walk up to another cis woman in the bathroom, pat them on the back, and say “Good for you girl!” At least I hope not.

Now more than ever we need to support each other and stomp out ignorance. The world is a vibrant rainbow of people from all different backgrounds, and views. Keep learning and above all, keep expanding.

Creating Unshakable Confidence

Gandhi said, “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” I agree – but I also make the argument that this is the recipe for confidence too.

Confidence is not about becoming someone you are not. You do not need to be more outgoing to be confident. You do not need to learn how to speak in public. You do not need to get rid of any complexities that make you, you. You simply need to know what you are good at, establish your value, and make daily contributions. Unshakable confidence is about embracing WHO YOU ARE. It is shifting the focus from “I’m not this, I’m not that, I wish I could be this, I wish I could be that.” To “I am in control of myself, who I am, and how I live my life. I am deciding to value my true self.” The more you have embraced your true self the more effortlessly confident you become. Doors of opportunity appear everywhere. Life can be lived with less fear and more joy.

This is my unconventional yet effective pathway to get to unshakable confidence.

1. Make Genuine Contributions

Experiment with the way you are contributing to the different areas of your life. Are you making a difference at work? Do you leave people feeling better than when you met them? Are you contributing to a cause larger than yourself? Do you participate in connecting with your community? Do you make someone's life easier? Are you helpful to your coworkers?

I fully believe in the link between meaningful contributions and confidence. I think it is difficult (if not impossible) to have low self-confidence when the work you are doing is valuable and the contributions you are making are meaningful.

Do not overwhelm yourself thinking this needs to be career oriented, or life-changing to "count". Simply open your eyes. Look around your house, your job, your community. Are there ways you can help your spouse? Streamline and improve a work process? Get involved with your city? Identify where you can contribute and do it in a meaningful way.

2. Remember You Are In Control

“The more you love your decisions the less you need others to love them.”

Did you do something slightly unconventional recently? And now it has you feeling a bit in the spotlight? There are people who have negative reactions to anything outside the norm. But remember this: there are centuries of people throughout history who strayed from 'normal' -doing things others thought was crazy - usually only because it was new or different. Without these people we would not have Apple, we would not have made strides toward equal rights, we would not have cake on a stick. 

Innovation comes from those who are bold enough to blaze trails and test waters.

So be different. Embrace your unique perspectives and approaches. Those are valuable. Think about your very best friend or your spouse. Do you love them because they are just like everyone else? NO. You love them for the ways they are different from everyone else. Learn to give yourself that same courtesy. Love yourself for the ways you are different.

And finally, remember this: no one is noticing. Especially successful people! Successful people are working on their own lives! So you got married earlier than everyone. Or you’re not even close to marriage. So you graduated from college and you work in a restaurant. So you took 8 years to graduate college. So you had kids before your friends did. So you left your hometown and never want to return. So you never left your hometown. It doesn't matter.

It is your life. You get to decide what you are doing with it. You are in control. So if you are truly, in your heart, okay with your decisions – you do not need others to be okay with them. Other people's reactions to your decisions are not of your concern. Your concern is you.

Have your own best interest in mind, and trust that you know what that is better than anyone else.

3. Stop Judging Others Harshly

When you judge others harshly your psyche gets in the poor habit of thinking that others are judging you that harshly. Spending time looking at other people’s lives and having negative thoughts about them, really only affirm negative thoughts in your own life. Think about it. Unless you’re one ballsy being – they will never know what you think about them. So having those negative thoughts only does damage to YOU. Stop it.

Be kind in your thoughts about others, and it will help you be kind in your thoughts about yourself.

4. Accept Your "Flaws"

Once you accept your flaws no one can hold them against you. You do not need to be in a constant battle with yourself.

There are some things that are out of our control. Often times when we think of our flaws, we identify a number of physical attributes. We resent the body type we have or the nose we were born with, or the hair type we have. I beg you to not even consider these things as “flaws” in the first place but if you MUST – then learn to accept them. Then move past them. 

These are not limitations. These are not things that make you lesser than another human. These are attributes – a layer of you. A layer of you that does not in any way define who you are.

As C.S. Lewis said, “You do not have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."

Forget about your weaknesses, focus on your strengths. The beauty of this is, that once you have accepted what you define as your shortcomings, you can move past them. You can put all of your energy into improving yourself - instead of wasting your energy demeaning yourself.

5. Seek the Uplifting Ones - Rid Yourself of the Toxic Ones

Sometimes lack of confidence can come from surrounding yourself with the wrong people. “People either inspire you or drain you – pick them wisely.” Make an effort to examine some of your closest relationships with friends and family. Do you have someone who constantly undermines you? Makes you feel bad about yourself? They have to go.

“There is a special place in hell for women who do not support other women.” Truly successful people are the ones who are reaching out their hands to help others up the ladder. If you are around people who do not support or encourage you, I ask you to think about that relationship carefully.

You can be doing your best work at improving your self-confidence but keeping people like this around will have you in the dance of “two steps forward, one step back.” Refer to my article on You Are Who You Surround Yourself With for more on this concept.

6. Exercise the Body and the Mind

We all know the vast benefits of physical exercise. Increased confidence is one of them - and not because of the improved physique. Studies show the endorphins you get from working out boost confidence. Be sure to make time for movement in your life. Those happy feeling endorphins will help you love yourself a little bit more each time you hit the gym, walk the dog, ski in the mountain fresh air, or go on a run.

That said, do not neglect to exercise your mind – “learning is a lifelong journey” – just because you are out of school does not mean you are “done” learning. We are never done learning. Read books, articles, watch TED Talks, go to cooking classes, take skiing lessons, find your groove. Find your way to expand your mind and skills – this is imperative to your confidence.

Inaction breeds doubt and fear, while action breeds confidence and courage.

When we are inactive in taking charge of our own lives – we are more apt to feel worthless, unnecessary, or unloved. Take action, hotshot.

7. Always Remember Confidence Comes From the Inside

You will notice I have not listed “get a facial” or “go on a shopping spree” or "lose ten pounds." I fully endorse treatin yo self and getting fit but when it comes to confidence: it will only be truly impervious if it shines from the inside. Alternatives that are related to your outer appearance will not leave you with genuine confidence. They might leave you with a quick boost. But this article is about creating the type of confidence that doesn’t fade. The type of confidence that carries you through. The type of confidence that harsh words and difficult times cannot deflate.

Leave this post feeling empowered that your decisions are exactly that, yours. You are a unique individual with strengths and attributes that others admire – but more importantly, strengths and attributes that you need to appreciate and admire yourself. REALIZE that you are valuable and irreplaceable and the best way to get through this life is with confidence. The alternative is painful and tedious.

“No one else is you – and that is your power.”  - Dave Grohl

The Haitian Secret

In May and June of 2017, I visited the poorest country in our Western Hemisphere, Haiti. My visit was to Wholehearted Home, an incredible nonprofit helping break the ever-so-prevalent cycle of poverty. Wholehearted provides a stable home, wrap-around services, and quality care for orphans who have lost both their parents. Haiti is about an eighth the size of Idaho but has 10 million citizens. There are over 300,000 orphans in Haiti. 

Haiti is what you might expect from a third world country. Corrupt government, hardly any infrastructure, and over half a million people permanently displaced after the earthquake of 2010. If you can find a bathroom, it is rare the toilet inside has plumbing. If it does have plumbing, be sure to never flush anything down it. All toilet paper and waste must be thrown away in a trash bin as their septic systems are not built for anything more. All trash in Haiti is burned and as you may be able to guess by now, there is no recycling. 

Children roam the streets alone. Some with shoes made out of smashed water bottles, tied to the bottom of their feet with string. Many malnourished and hard-pressed to find clean, drinkable water. Natural resources are scarce. Electricity is unreliable when available but in most areas outside Port-au-Prince, Haiti's capital, electricity is nonexistent. 

Its humidity keeps up with its temperature. 90 degrees, 90% humidity. 100 degrees, 100% humidity. Homes, cars, shops, do not have air conditioning. Mosquitoes and scorpions frequent the air and grounds. Tuberculosis, Malaria, and Chikungunya are constant threats to the population. Much of this I knew before ever stepping foot in Haiti. 

But there was something I never anticipated experiencing in my visit: The genuine happiness of Haitians. 

In circumstances where many of us would find a number of opportunities to complain - Haitians speak their gratitude. Each and every day I was in their country I observed Haitians taking time out of their day to vocalize what they were grateful for, often multiple times per day.

When I traveled to Haiti with thorough knowledge of its state of affairs I thought I would experience a depressing, tragic country with despondent people. I experienced the exact opposite. Haiti fosters a culture full of love, hope, selflessness, and the crucial element of gratitude. 

In the states, I am fortunate enough to observe love, hope, and selflessness almost daily. But I hardly ever hear myself or others vocalizing their gratitude. There are fleeting moments throughout the year, posts you can anticipate around Thanksgiving, but as a whole gratitude is missing from our American culture. 

If there is, in fact, a secret to happiness I would argue that vocalizing our gratitude is it. 

In my own life, I enjoy taking time to list what I am grateful for each morning either in my head or on paper. But I rarely share it with my friends, family, colleagues, network - let alone complete strangers. I now believe the act of vocalizing our gratitude to one another is paramount. 

My challenge to those reading this post (and to myself) is to help us foster a society where gratitude is the default - where conversations surrounding what we are grateful for today become the comfortable norm. 

Here's what I know for sure:

• Being grateful does not require a special occasion where things are exceptional or better than usual.
• You can start being grateful immediately. In this moment.
• Your life circumstances do not need to change in order for you to be grateful. 
• Being grateful does not mean there aren't still things you wish were different or that you could change. 
• The things you are grateful might have room for improvement or growth - be grateful for them anyway. 
• And finally, being grateful is not boastful. It's humble. You are not bragging about your life,  you are grounding yourself in appreciation. 

Gratitude is taking a moment to appreciate aspects of our life, circumstances, selves, and loved ones. As imperfect or miniscule as they may be. Life in Haiti is far from perfect. But if you ask a Haitian how they are in the month of May and they will smile and reply "It's mango season."  

Today, I'm grateful for plumbing, air conditioning, and clean water. I'm grateful for shots (woah never thought I'd say that one). I'm grateful for deodorant and showers. I'm grateful for my rights, the laws that protect me and the people who advocate for me. I'm grateful for the privilege to help others and grateful I have the capacity to help others. I'm grateful for my body and my health. I'm grateful for COFFEE!! I'm grateful for my bike, my car, my education. I'm grateful for my home. I'm grateful for my family. I'm grateful for my friends. I am grateful that I have been blessed with this life. My life. I am grateful for this incredible lesson on gratitude from a culture that shocked me to my core.

I will be back, Haiti, I love you dearly. But until then I am grateful for the way you welcomed me into your country. Thank you.

And may we all learn to be grateful for the mangoes.

Esther, age 5, came to Wholehearted Orphanage at 5 days old.

Practicing Your Passion

About 6 years ago a good friend of mine, Matthew Wordell, stopped me on the sidewalk and asked, “What is your passion?” I blurted out the only answer that came to mind, “people.” Feeling put on the spot and like I had given a broad, perhaps unimpressive answer, I followed up with “I love loving people, I love helping people. People are my passion.” It was (and is) the truth. 

Matt has a passion for photography – something so much more tangible. It was easy to see the work and talent he had for his passion (and extremely tempting to compare the two). I asked myself, do I need to identify a different passion? Could yoga be my passion? Writing? Should I take up something more tangible? Measurable? Something with proof?

Short answer: No.

Long answer: If you are able to identify your passion – DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO CHANGE IT. This is what you must pursue, somehow, in some facet of your life.

Being passionate about people is broad. It's hard to measure. But passions are not meant to be measured. Passions are meant to be practiced.

I know not everyone is passionate about other people. In fact, some of my favorite people are so not people-people. There is an important lesson here: no matter what answer you come up with – there is a place for you in this world to practice your passion. We are all different and we are all necessary. I don’t know about you, but if I was responsible for the web programming of our world, we would have never gotten past Internet Explorer. Is web programming even a term? S.O.S.

So I will say it again: IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT YOUR PASSION IS – WHAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU PRACTICE IT.

Whether it's writing, yoga, sports, make-up, fishing, baking, sketching, making others laugh, inspiring, helping, health and fitness, teaching, learning, traveling, reading, singing, coding, creating, designing, or running. Or maybe you identify with Albert Einstein on this one: "I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious." 

Six years after identifying my passion I have been lucky enough to make it part of my career. I now work for a non-profit organization that provides safety, healing and freedom for victims of domestic abuse, sexual assault, human trafficking, and homelessness. In a given year we help thousands of men, women, and children with shelter, counseling, court advocacy, financial literacy, childcare and so much more. We catch people when they fall, we empower them to stand again, we educate them on ways to avoid abusive relationships in the future. My work is all about people. That six letter word I blurted out when I was asked about my passion. 

Perhaps you don’t think you can find a way to work your passion into your career. Great, fine, wonderful. Work it into your life. 

If you know you love reading, but you know you’ll never make a career out of reading, get creative. What are you doing to ensure that you are practicing this passion? Can you make more time for it? Is there a way you share this passion with the world? Volunteer to read kids' books aloud at your local library? Create a reading nook in your home that lends itself to reading being a rejuvenating experience? Hone in on what your passion is and the ways you can fully integrate it into your days, weeks, months, years. If your inner narrative right now is, "my passion will never save a life or change a life, so what's the point?" Look in the mirror. The face staring back is the life you are saving. The face staring back is the life you are changing. 

You deserve to live a quality life where you feel fulfilled. Practicing your passion cultivates such a life in a natural, sustainable, enjoyable way. And BONUS: doing this for yourself makes you a better human overall. A better human overall means a better spouse, sibling, mentor, contributor to society.

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” - Howard Thurman

If you still think practicing your passion is frivolous, just remember how far Einstein got with curiosity. 

3 Simple Self-Care Practices

Self-care has been a hot topic for the past few years. And with good reason. Contrary to what its name might imply self-care is selfless. Say it with me: self-care is selfless. When you take time to recharge your batteries you perform better in your roles as a friend, daughter, wife, mother, employee, student, mentor and so on. We are all constantly juggling multiple roles and this reality has the ability to exhaust and deplete us if we neglect ourselves.

There are a few things that are universal to each of us, no matter where we are on our life journey. These three, simple tactics can be immediately and easily implemented - and the combination of them packs a life-changing punch.

1. Get adequate sleep

You know the drill. 7 – 8 hours is the sweet spot. BONUS: The earlier in the night you go to sleep, the better. Adequate sleep has been shown to improve memory, increase creativity, decrease inflammation, slow down aging, aid with weight loss, relieve stress, and make your waking hours more focused and productive.

2. Eat whole foods

Real foods. Do not make your body live off of Clif Bars, prepackaged smoothies or fast food. The less ingredients in packaged food, the better. One of the best rules of thumb is, can you pronounce everything on the label? If not, don't put it in your body. Live by this on a regular basis. That said, life is not about perfection, it is meant to be lived, tasted, enjoyed. Make whole foods the rule, and your favorite indulgences the exception. I would be lying if I told you I don't do back-flips over the deliciousness fro-yo. But it's my exception, it's not my rule. Eating food that lacks nutrients is NOT QUALITY and therefore will not lead to a quality life. Eat quality. A healthy diet has been shown to increase your energy levels throughout your day, prevent illness and disease, improve your mood and your brain function. 

3. Write a gratitude list

You can always find things to be grateful for. Always. Here’s one I did for Thanksgiving. Outlining what you have to be thankful for creates instant connection with your current circumstances. It is a no-pressure way to care for yourself because you are highlighting the current positive. Focusing on the good in your life attracts more good in your life. If you feel really, really down what about being thankful for your eyesight? Or your hearing? Or your memory? These are things that are not guaranteed. Gratitude has been shown to improve psychological health, increase empathy, reduce aggression, improve self-esteem, and even decrease feelings of depression.

As Van Gogh says, "Great things are done by a series of small things brought together." I know it may seem difficult to believe that these small actions can be life-changing, but it is scientifically and anecdotally proven that the sum of these simple efforts that can radically impact your life. Actions do not need to be complicated to have an impact. We brush our teeth twice a day and it keeps us from a lifetime of rotting teeth. With just a little bit of preparation and commitment you'll be preventing disease, improving your mood, increasing your empathy and instilling imperative balance in your life.

"Self-Care is a divine responsibility." - Danielle LaPorte

The Importance of Knowing Yourself

Knowing oneself is paramount to a happy, fulfilling life.

A strong sense of self makes you impervious to negative opinions and fearless in your endeavors. Knowing who you are erases the fear of failure. It aids you when life is tough, it becomes your saving grace. How? At the end of the day - no matter what kind of day it was - you still have yourself. You have you. Always. So your best bet at a blissful life is learning how to lean on yourself, how to push yourself to grow, how to make yourself happy. Your entire life is up to you.

First you need to establish your go-to's. 

What music, books, and activities make you happy when you're sad?  What music, books, and activities give you inspiration when you feel burnt out?  What music, books, and activities make you calm when you're angry? What music, books, and activities give you peace when you're stressed? (If you're coming up blank think back on times when you were happy, inspired, calm, peaceful. Write down the circumstances and the elements of that time.)

Do this for all areas of your life: career, finances, relationships, friendships, school - whatever buckets you spend your time in. Ask yourself: when do I thrive? When do I laugh? When do I feel confident, capable?  

This exercise is an investment in you. When you are able to see what makes you calm on paper, you can put it into action and become calm. This works for each circumstance. Eventually these responses will be innate - it is part of knowing yourself. Your life will become easier to navigate. 

I love lists so I hand write these things and then update and revise them as needed because although I know myself - I am always growing and changing.  The first time I did this was years ago and in almost every column one of the things that always made me feel better was helping others. It was a consistent response in what made me happier and less stressed, but it wasn't something I regularly practiced at the time. Noticing this theme actually lead me to a complete shift in careers - a move I haven't regretted a single day. 

When you feel lost or you are going through a break-up or you are unsure of what the future could or should bring: refer to your list. These things - though simple - hold your answers. 

I fondly refer to my list as "The Good Stuff" and the task I give to you during times of struggle is simple: do more of the good stuff.

If you already know yourself, but something still isn't working and you feel stuck try this: write down two columns side by side. "What I am" and "What I aspire to be." Fill these out respectively. For example, perhaps I am: compassionate, intelligent, healthy, sensible, caring, energetic. Perhaps I aspire to be: fit, efficient, entrepreneur, bilingual. 

Often times feeling unsettled is due to wanting to reach for that second column, but staying put. How can you move toward what you aspire to be? What action steps can you take? Write these down. Because if I know one thing, I know this: it's up to you. 

Social Media and Self-Care: Creating Healthy Boundaries

Excellent self-care can be a challenge, especially in these highly technological times. Oftentimes social media is beneficial - something that connects, informs and helps us. However social media also has the tendency to lend itself to unproductive multi-tasking, a constant inundation of negative or useless information, and increased feelings of external judgment or comparison.

Fear not: the benefits of technology can be enjoyed without drawbacks if we implement boundaries.

There are two feelings that help us identify where our boundaries need attention: discomfort and resentment. Discomfort is fairly straightforward: when you feel uncomfortable in a moment or interaction, a boundary is likely being violated. Resentment often means we feel unappreciated, dissatisfied, bitter, or discontent. If you notice a pattern of resentment or discomfort while using social media or technology, it’s time to draw a boundary.

1. Turn off Notifications
You do not need to have real-time notifications of every like, comment, or follow you receive through social media channels. Disable all notifications from Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, LinkedIn etc. on your phone. Turning off alerts prevents you from becoming dependent on the notification loop. New psychology has proven that the instant gratification we get from receiving notifications actually emits dopamine – the happiness hormone. Unfortunately, you have no control over this type of dopamine because it is dependent upon what others think/do/say/click. Instead of depending on their actions for your source of dopamine, create your own surplus of that hormone through dopamine inducing activities like exercise, reducing stress, and taking vitamins.

2. Delete Apps
Write down a list of the most used apps on your phone in a notebook. For one week, keep a tally of when you feel discomfort or resentment from being in one of the apps. At the end of the week, delete the apps with the most tallies.  If apps leave you feeling resentful or uncomfortable it is admirable self-care to remove them from your life. I deleted Snapchat temporarily when I was experiencing discomfort from how much time I was spending in the app each day. I now have it back, and the time away helped me reset. 

3. Lengthen Your Reaction Time
Nothing says you have to immediately respond to a message, inquiry, tweet, email, text, or phone call. Others contact you according to their schedule – they are not thinking of you, your state of mind, or your priorities. Be considerate and respectful, of course, but respond on your time. As someone who sends many emails, texts, and messages – I would rather have a thoughtful response, than a hasty one. No one sends you something with the intent to interrupt your concentration, focus, or personal time. Do not allow an interaction to become an interruption. This goes for those weekend emails, too. Phones have the ability to toggle on a “do not disturb” button that can keep you from receiving work emails or calls during certain hours. They are called smartphones for a reason. Take advantage of it.

4. Remove Yourself from the Comparison Trap
Social media introduced a new kind of comparison. Instead of looking at the lives of celebrities in magazines as a point of unrealistic comparison, we now look at the girl who grew up next door to us or that guy from our college course. It’s like a class reunion every single day. What are they up to? How far have they come? How far have I come? It’s a cycle – and not necessarily a healthy one. Again, if you feel that pattern of discomfort and resentment when you partake in your virtual-class-reunion each day on Facebook and LinkedIn, draw a boundary. Take a break entirely from that social media channel or vow to check it once every other day with a focus only on keeping up with the people you know and love – instead of keeping up with the Joneses. We are all vastly different people and as such, our timeline, choices, and lifestyles will be vastly different. Comparison is unproductive and useless. Your life is not about what other people are doing; your life is about what you are doing.

5. Find Joy in Technology and Social Media
Breaking unhealthy social media habits is easily done by replacing them with something new. There are many wonderful reasons to use technology and social media and I encourage you to seek out what makes you feel good. While you mark down the times technology makes you feel uncomfortable or resentful, also take note of what you enjoy about technology. Maybe you love the way it helps you share your ideas or express your aesthetic taste through photos. Maybe it’s the advice you receive or recommendations your friends near and far give you. Perhaps it’s the infinite amount of information you can consume through a TEDTalk or a podcast. 

To set a boundary is to acknowledge your feelings. Listen to yourself. You know what's best for you.

You Are Who You Surround Yourself With

“You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.” – Jim Rohn

Praise hands, praise hands, praise hands. I couldn't have said it better myself, Jim. 

I have the privilege of living with two of the most intelligent, naturally gorgeous, driven, and hilarious and women I know.  They bring to my life inspiration, support, love, new hobbies, and fun on a consistent basis. Their daily actions show me how to be a good friend, loving daughter and hard worker. 

When I leave my house during the week I head to work where I am surrounded by incredible colleagues who share my vision and passion for bettering our world. I spend most of my time working and being at home so it is critical that I am surrounded by the right people in these two environments. I am blessed to be able to say that I am. I am blessed to be able to say I am a better "me" because of who I surround myself with.

The rest of my time is spent with equally amazing people because I choose to spend it with them.

This has meant gracefully letting go of all different forms of relationships throughout the years. Before we get into how to let unhealthy relationships go, let's establish some boundaries. The following are not valid excuses to keep someone in your life:

- You have always hung out with them

- They are family

- You have known them for "x" amount of years

- They have been around for major life events

- You fear change

- They provide some status to you but your emotional health suffers

- You're comfortable with them

Excuses are no good here. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" is an excellent, straightforward rule to live by, and can inspire you to take action when you know in your gut that someone is no longer benefiting your life or growth rate. It can be painful to let someone go - you feel like you're not only releasing that person, but the memories you have shared. And although they might be a person who never had your best interest in mind, that doesn't mean you two did not share meaningful moments. In my experience, allowing a slow, graceful distancing of the relationship is the most effective route. It gives you time to grieve that friendship or colleague, negates the need for a dramatic exit, and allows you to simultaneously introduce new, healthy, relationships. 

Imagine a world where the only people who exist are the ones who lift you up, inspire you, support you, help you grow, help you succeed, give you love. You have the power to create that world.

If you are looking to give back more, become a professional, improve your fitness level, build your confidence or take control of your life, find women who are doing just that and surround yourself with them.  I know at least one of each of these so if you need me to make an introduction, holla at ya girl.  

How to Erase a Past You Don't Love

“Accomplishments don’t erase shame, hatred, cruelty, silence, ignorance, discrimination, low self-esteem or immorality. It covers it up, with a creative version of pride and ego. Only restitution, forgiving yourself and others, compassion, repentance and living with dignity will ever erase the past.” 
― Shannon L. Alder

As Alder so eloquently outlines, there are six keys to moving beyond a past we are not happy with and into a future of peace. Let's break them down together.

Restitution: Restore, rejuvenate, revitalize. Invest in pouring into yourself. In times of trauma or sorrow, write down 10 things that generally make you happy. Do them. If you feel numb while you do them, good. That's normal. Continue to do them. The joy will follow. Revitalize the positivity in your life by doing the things you know the soul of you enjoys - even if you are having difficulty enjoying them at this juncture in your life. Practicing and actively participating in your "love list" eventually begins to restore and rejuvenate you. My love list includes coffee, laughing, re-watching old episodes of The Office, red wine, time with friends, going to the movies, taking a nature walk, cleaning my room, cooking a delicious meal, snuggling up with a good book. These actions provide restitution instantly when I'm at my best, and slowly but surely when I'm at my worst. 

Forgiving Yourself: Self-rejection stunts your growth and keeps you stuck. Release yourself from this. Forgive yourself for all the mistakes you have made, for every moment you wish you had handled differently, for everything you find unacceptable about yourself. Forgive, forgive, forgive. This is the only path to move forward. 

Forgiving Others: Holding a grudge and refusing to forgive someone is, as they say, "like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." Your lack of forgiveness keeps you from being able to move beyond this person. It only harms you. Forgiveness is not telling them "what you did was acceptable" - it is telling them "what you did will no longer have any power over me." It is freeing. It is necessary. 

Compassion: The word compassion is a noun and is perhaps best defined by its synonyms; empathy, care, concern, warmth, love, tolerance, kindness, humanity, and charity. Practice more of this. Compassion is like a muscle, it is strengthened when used frequently. Compassion’s antonyms: indifference and cruelty, have no place in your life.

Repentance: The mistake that brought you to a place of shame, hatred, ignorance or low self-esteem will sometimes require you to go through sincere remorse. Express this remorse to those who you hurt. Express it sincerely. If you do not have the opportunity to say it in person, write a letter. You don't even need to send the letter - just write down the remorse you have for hurting them. Then move on. 

Living with Dignity: A life of dignity is a life of self-respect. It is a life of respect for others. It is a life of growth and grace and staying true to oneself.  As outlined in my favorite book The Four Agreements, “You can measure the impeccability of your word by your level of self-love. How much you love yourself and how you feel about yourself are directly proportionate to the quality and integrity of your word. When you are impeccable with your word, you feel good; you feel happy and at peace.” This is to live with dignity. This is to live beyond your past. 

Forward Movement

“I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own.” - Audre Lorde

When one gender, one class, one race, one religion moves forward - we all move forward. Forward movement does not hold another gender, class, race, or religion back. 

Feminism simply deconstructs gender roles that we have been pressured to subscribe to for centuries. It works to end sexual violence, it works to close an arbitrary wage gap, it works to free both sexes. Feminism works to move our entire world forward to a healthier place, and state of being. A place where we embrace every facet of ourselves, our strengths, and our feelings as humans - without the fear that it doesn't align with societal norms.

I urge you to listen to the following incredible TEDTalks which will open your eyes to the worldwide war on women, and how you can help all of us move forward, by helping women move forward. 

Violence Against Women is a Men's Issue by: Jackson Katz

Working for Change Inside My Church by: Chelsea Shields

My Daughter Malala by: Ziauddin Yousafzai

We should all be feminists | Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie | TEDxEuston

"We teach boys to be afraid of fear, of weakness, of vulnerability. We teach them to mask their true selves. But by far the worst thing we do to males - by making them feel they have to be 'hard' - is that we leave them with very fragile egos. The harder a man feels compelled to be, the weaker his ego is [because his behavior is tied to social expectations, not his true identity] And then we do a greater disservice to girls, because we raise them to cater to the fragile egos of males.

We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls: You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful but not too successful, otherwise you will threaten the man. If you are the breadwinner in your relationship with a man, pretend that you are not, especially in public, otherwise you will emasculate him." - Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

The Ultimate Privilege

What an absolute privilege it has been to have a website dedicated to people focusing on confidence, self-improvement, apps that make their lives easier, and products that improve their appearance.

As a straight, white, female who was born in the United States, has had access to healthcare, education, and a comfortable lifestyle for the entirety of my existence - I am privileged. I have done absolutely nothing to deserve these luxuries. Privilege is quite literally the result of chance. This luck I was born into has allowed me to create a site sharing ideas about ways to save yourself time or improve the quality of your hair. 

Lately, for many hours of my day, my mind no longer resides in the luxurious focus that I once had at the inception of this website. Far more pressing issues have presented themselves.

Refined Bliss will continue to be a source of positivity and self-care. But it will also be a source of humanitarian ideals. What I plea of those who come to this site is that you visit to find healing and solace. I hope it becomes a place you come to recharge, and then go out into the world and fight the good fight. We all need a safe haven. We cannot pour from an empty cup. So I urge you to come get filled, but then go out. And with your healthy, strong, cared-for-self, do good in this world.

Humanitarianism calls for no distinction to be made on the grounds of gender, sexual orientation, race, caste, age, religion, ability, or nationality. It calls for kindness, benevolence, and sympathy to be extended to all human beings. Refined Bliss stands for these ideals. My hope is that my fellow humans are also humanitarians. 

"I look to a day when people will not be judged by the color of their skin, (the religion they belong to, the country they come from, the people they love, the gender they identify with, their XX chromosomes), but by the content of their character." - Martin Luther King Jr. (and me)

Character is defined as the moral qualities distinctive to an individual. I look to a day when we judge others solely by the caliber of their morality.

Our world is good and beautiful not because we are all the same, but because we are all different. We have the power to instill justice and acceptance in our free and wonderful country if we can come together. It is a delicate and difficult balance to demand justice while instilling peace, but it is possible. 

To those of you who do not feel the weight of our nation's issues on your shoulders I urge you to reflect on the poem below by Martin Niemöller.

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out— 
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out— 
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me. - Martin Niemöller on Nazi Germany

I believe in helping each other for the sake of helping each other. I believe in seeking to understand. I believe that when we truly love ourselves, we are able to love others more freely. So on Refined Bliss we will continue to take care of ourselves, but we will also remember to take care of our neighbors. Life is a privilege. Having the capacity to help others is the ultimate privilege.  Let us use our privilege well. 

To Know Someone’s Story is to Love Them

“To know someone’s story is to love them.” – Lori Fascilla

I heard this phrase echoed throughout our home in my childhood. My mother is, and has always been, a strong believer that when we take the time to truly know another human and come to understand their story – we cannot help but love them. It is a belief I am grateful she passed on to me.

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, 1 in 5 U.S. adults will experience a mental health condition in their lifetime.

When we take the time to learn another’s unique experiences, feelings, and perspective we come to understand them better. Seeking to understand is one of the most compassionate acts we can offer one another. Statistically, we all know someone who has either endured or is currently experiencing a mental health condition. If you can think of a friend or family member who has shared in passing that they struggle with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, panic attacks, OCD, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder, or substance use disorder – I urge you to reach out to them. Learn their story.

To the outer world, many individuals with mental health conditions may appear to have an easy, untroubled, or even perfect life. In reality, the inner world those with mental health conditions endure on a daily basis can be painful, isolating and overwhelming.

Mental Health Awareness deserves your attention. I ask you to learn someone’s story, increase your education surrounding this topic, and become a vocal advocate. Help us foster a compassionate society who refuses to silence or shame each other for attributes beyond our control. To support Mental Health is to support the people you love.

How to Respond When a Friend Confides

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and part of creating a more compassionate society as a whole is in how we respond to sexual assault survivors.

As the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization, RAINN, explains:

“Sexual assault is a violent act to humiliate, terrorize and degrade the victim, with survivors feeling fear of rejection, humiliation, shame, and degradation as part of a host of emotions they experience. Fear of being judged or being seen as liars are two prevalent reasons for not assisting in the judicial process. For many male victims, the shame and secrecy are compounded by the fear that their own sexuality may have something to do with being targeted, or at least that others will think so.”

The distress caused by sexual assault is neurological, biological, and psychological – making trauma-informed care a non-negotiable necessity. Being trauma-informed simply means understanding that your reaction as a friend, acquaintance, or society member toward someone who has been sexually assaulted has the power to do further damage. That said, it also has the power to begin their healing process.

To achieve the latter, here are five responses to help you be a compassionate listener and trauma-informed confidant for survivors of sexual assault.

“I’m sorry this happened.” Acknowledge their experience and express empathy. Say things like, “This must be really tough for you.”

“It’s not your fault.” Reassure, reassure, reassure. This is not their fault, you are not judging them. There is never an excuse for sexual violence. Clothing, level of sobriety, and being alone are not invitations or justifications for an act of sexual assault against another human.

“I believe you.” Don’t use words like “alleged” or “supposed.” While the accused has the right to remain innocent until proven guilty, the victim has a right and emotional need to be believed. There is an incredible campaign that focuses entirely on this called Start By Believing. It demonstrates the crucial importance of believing someone who comes forward.

“I’m here for you.” Be an attentive listener, but also be comfortable with periods of silence and the possibility that your physical presence could be more meaningful than what you say.

“You can trust me.” Reassure them you won’t judge and you’ll protect their privacy and confidentiality. Keep that promise.

“Can we take you to the hospital?” Medical attention is always needed, even if the assault happened a while ago. It is possible your friend or acquaintance is unaware there are designated facilities that are prepared to meet their needs. It can also feel like a very scary or intimidating process to seek help. Here in Boise, one of the best resources we have is FACES Victim Center. Law enforcement reporting, medical services and forensic exams can be done onsite in one visit at no charge to the client.

According to the latest statistics by RAIIN, for every 100 rapes, 32 are reported to the police, 7 will lead to an arrest, 2 of those rapists will spend one single day in prison. 98 rapists will walk free. A friend, colleague, or acquaintance confiding in you is often the first step they will take in their reporting process. Being compassionate, supportive and simply believing them can make a difference in their immediate emotional state, as well as encourage a cultural shift. Our justice system will not change the treatment of victims until our society changes the treatment of victims.

To learn more about the damaging effects of victim blaming and victim shaming in various justice systems read about Denim Day here and join us in our efforts to raise awareness surrounding these issues.

Cardinal Rules of Skincare

I woke up one day in my mid-twenties and realized my face had aged 20 years overnight. Okay - that's dramatic. But I was shocked and disturbed by the wrinkles I saw. I had never had a skincare routine, and had yet to implement the 10 cardinal rules you see below. I now follow these cardinal rules and I have since been aging backwards ever since. 

1. WASH YOUR FACE BEFORE BED

I mean it. Every night. The consequences of not washing your face include:

• Breakouts

• Premature Wrinkles

• Redness/Cracked Skin

• Dirty Pillow Case

• 17 Days Worth of Aging for Each Night You Go to Sleep With Make-Up On

If this sounds impossible invest in some wipes like these and do a nice swipe of the ol’ face and neck as you fall into bed. Speaking of bed…

2. WASH YOUR PILLOWCASES WEEKLY OR BI-WEEKLY

FO REAL. You need to. If this sounds awful, go buy a few extra pillow cases so you can be switching them out consistently.

3. DRINK MORE WATER

WATERRRRR. The secret to everything. Including better skin. Drink some, then drink some more. This is the ultimate beauty secret. Hydrate today, wake up flawless tomorrow. It's just the way it works.

4. MOISTURIZE

Moisturizing reduces the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. Dry skin makes these things more apparent. Ask me about my favorite moisturizers if you’re still on the hunt for the perfect one.

It's a little known fact that dry skin often makes you breakout worse. I know, it's counter intuitive because when many of us think  of breakouts an oily faced teen comes to mind.  No, dry skin does you no favors either. So no matter what your skin type, make sure you are moisturizing. An oil free moisturizer is always safe.

Nourishing lashes goes a long way too. There are many natural ways to nourish your lash line, but here's what I use to naturally grow my eyelashes AND my brows. 

5. GO HOLISTIC

I’m a strong believer in holistic health. If your skin is dull and lacks glow – EAT YOUR WAY TO BETTER SKIN. Observe the amount of fresh fruits and vegetables you are consuming. Are you getting enough protein? Antioxidants? Fatty Acids? Think: Salmon, Almonds, Tuna, Blueberries, Blackberries, Artichokes etc.  There are ways to improve your skin naturally – and also eating well is just plain good for you. Mind, body, and skin.

6. ZEN YOUR WAY THERE

Yoga lover? Do it for your skin. Child's Pose and Downward Facing Dog improve circulation, especially in your face. More oxygen = more glow. And while we're here - exercise of any kind can actually make skin appear younger over time. So hit the gym this week to get that aerobic glow for Friday.

7. SLEEP, HONEY

Bags, dullness, and dark circles are increased when we don’t get a good night’s sleep. Set your bedtime for 8 p.m. tonight, capiche?! Okay maybe not 8 p.m. but really try to get your solid 7-8 hours in this week, girl.

Also please do this for your overall health. Breakouts can be due to stress. Not sleeping can equal stress. SLEEP. It will make your waking hours more productive. Do not punish yourself and your potential for greater success by over committing yourself.  It is not OKAY to work until midnight from your bed (remember that thing called quality of life?)

8. WASH YOUR FACE WHEN YOU WAKE UP

I use cold water because I like to torture myself first thing in the morning. Also because I read one time that that’s the only skincare secret the French use so I started going with it? You don’t need to partake in the self-inflicted torture of cold water BUT – you do need to wash it when you wake up. Compromise, my friend. And don’t forget to use a toner (an effective toner is magical) and moisturize the hell out of it (again).

9. FORGET SWIPING LEFT OR RIGHT. SWIPE UP!

Repeated actions have lasting effects. A rock is smoothed overtime by the constant flow of the water. DO NOT APPLY YOUR MOISTURIZER OR PRIMER OR TONER IN DOWNWARD STROKES. Every application should be an upward swipe. Are you following me? If you spend your entire life applying lotion from the forehead down the face or from the chin down the neck, you are literally speeding up gravity's job and pulling your skin down. Do not do this. Related: pat dry your skin. Pat it. Again, do not run the towel down that precious face of yours. It deserves better. 

10. NO WASHCLOTHS ALLOWED

You heard me - splash splash splash that face like the girls you see in commercials. Yes, your sink will be soaking wet by the time you're finished - but better to use a washcloth to dry that up than to wrinkle your face. When you use Rodan + Fields wipes they are pre-packed with peptides to protect you. Also, always avoid wiping or rubbing any of your eye area roughly. It is the most delicate skin you have. Products to repair saggy/puffy eyes here and here. 

That's it! 10 rules to live by. This is your skin, baby! You only get one shot at it. Treat it well. 

30 Is Not The New 20

I posted this TEDTalk a few weeks ago because it is one of my favorites. NOT because I want to scare the shit out of my 20-something peers and make them feel behind, but because clinical psychologist Meg Jay has incredible insight that I think everyone should be exposed to.

It is thought provoking and there is kinda nothing I love more than having my thoughts provoked, folks. 

Spoiler Alert. Meg closes her talk with this gem:

"So claim your adulthood, get some identity capital, use your weak ties, pick your family. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do. You're deciding your life right now."

I mean it when I say, I love this quote. It neatly sums up many of the things I believe in, and desperately want for everyone. If you are not a fan of the way Meg comes at this, here’s how I define it:

Claim Your Adulthood – Take responsibility. This is your life. If it is not up to society, or your parents, your best friends, or your significant other to tell you what your life is going to look like. YOU get to decide that, because YOU are an adult. And if you don’t feel like you get to decide that’s what the phrase “claim your adulthood” is all about. GO GET IT. It’s yours for the taking.

Get Some Identity Capital – This goes back to my post about Knowing Who You Are, if you are still floundering about, wondering who you are, this is the time in your life to find out! Take small steps toward establishing yourself. Defining yourself and who you want to be will give you a clear picture of the life you are trying to create - thus making it easier to actually create. I have always adored this quote by Gandhi: 'Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.' Get to that place!

Use Your Weak Ties – Look around, y’all. The world is your oyster if you make it so. Does your mom’s employee’s best friend run a yoga studio and you secretly dream of being a yoga instructor? Hello, weak tie!  The hardest part about this one is putting yourself (and your dreams) out there – you are going to have to communicate your wants. As the slightly famous, self made, sort-of successful, Oprah Winfrey said, “You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.” Be courageous here. 

Pick Your Family – This one goes back to You Are Who You Surround Yourself With. Stop surrounding yourself with people who make you feel bad. That’s it. Choose the right company, choose the supporters, the ones that will help you rise to the top – not bring you down. I always defer to this quote by Hans F. Hansen, "People inspire you, or they drain you. Pick them wisely.” 

Don’t Be Defined By What You Didn't Know Or Didn't Do – I am preaching this one hard.  I believe in creating your own definition of success. I believe that everything you need to be successful is already inside of you. I believe you have the power to create the life you desire. I believe it is never too late to begin again. If you’re reading this at 20, 30, 40, or 50 and it is speaking to you – do something about it. Just because you are out of your 20’s does not does not does not mean your life cannot change. It does not mean it is too late to find out who you are. If you don’t believe it’s possible, try me. I will help you through. A series of Emily+You dates over coffee or wine and we’ll have you rockin and rollin in no time. Or we can do things virtually. You know where to find me. 

You are deciding your life right now. Get to it, boss.