Are Sexual Assault and Domestic Abuse Really That Common?

Sexual Assault and Domestic Abuse should be considered and claimed as Public Health Epidemics. Research, prevention, education, and services should be provided to put an end to this lethal cultural norm.

Know and share the statistics:

• Every 9 seconds in the USA a woman is assaulted or beaten (Bureau of Justice Statistics’ National Crime Victimization Survey (NCVS))

• Every minute 20 people are victims of physical violence by an intimate partner (CDC National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey)

• Approximately 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually in the United States (CDC National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey)

• More than 3 women are murdered each day by their husbands or boyfriends (Bureau of Justice Statistics’ National Crime Victimization Survey (NCVS))

• Almost 1/3 of female murder victims were killed by an intimate partner (Federal Bureau of Investigation, Uniform Crime Reports “Crime in the United States, 2000,” (2001)

• 1 out of 6 American Women has been the victim of rape in her lifetime (attempted or completed) (National Institute of Justice & Centers for Disease Control & Prevention, Prevalence, incidence and consequences of Violence Against Women Survey (1998))

• Every 8 minutes a child is sexually assaulted in the United States RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network) 

• 30% to 60% of perpetrators of domestic violence also abused children in the household. (Edelson, J.L. (1999). “The Overlap Between Child Maltreatment and Woman Battering.” Violence Against Women. 5:134-154.)

• 1 in 15 children are exposed to intimate partner violence each year, and 90% of these children are eyewitnesses to this violence (US Department of Justice, National Survey of Children's Exposure to violence)

• Domestic violence is the 3rd leading cause of homelessnessfor families (Us Department of Health & Human Services, Administration for Children & Families) 

• Domestic violence costs $8.3 billion in expenses annually: a combination of higher medical costs ($5.8 billion) and lost productivity ($2.5 billion) (www.forbes.com/domestic-violence-the-secret-killer-that-costs-8-3-billion-annually)

• Only 6 of every 1,000 perpetrators ever go to prison RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network) 

What is Consent?

I know the last few weeks we have seen and heard so much about sexual assault in the news. I know we want to be done with it. But the best thing we can do for ourselves and each other is to be informed. If you have children or teach children, please talk to them about consent. Resources at bottom of post.

I want to be clear: sexual assault is not anecdotal - it’s epidemic. It happens every single day and we are in desperate need of awareness and education around this fact to be able to achieve a cultural shift strong enough to eradicate sexual violence.

• Every 98 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted

• Every 8 minutes, that victim is a child

• Meanwhile, only 6 out of every 1,000 perpetrators will end up in prison

• 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before they turn 18 years old

• 1 in 3 women experience some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime

• 1 in 5 women are raped, and 1 in 71 men are raped

• 8 out of 10 victims knew their rapist

• 91% of victims of rape and sexual assault are female and 9% are male

• Rape is the most under-reported crime; 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police

• The prevalence of false reporting is low — between 2% and 10%

The above statistics and figures are based on studies you can review here and here.

How to talk to kids about consent here.

Helpful 3 minute consent video here.

How this teacher is handling consent in her classroom found here.

A Call to Men in the #MeToo Movement

This 11 Minute TEDTalk is extremely worthy of your time if you are a man, love a man, know a man. The focus of the #MeToo movement has been primarily around the stories of women. As I have talked with male friends about this movement many of them don't know where they come into the picture or what role they play, if any. Because the truth is, most men are not abusive and most men are not rapists.

But the silence of these "most men" when they witness the assault, degradation, and mistreatment of women contributes ENORMOUSLY to the continuation of abuse and rape in our society.

So why are so many men silent about these issues? And how do we get more men to promote equality?

(continued below)

For starters, we need to break down the "Man Box" - a box our society subconsciously places men into from the time they are born. It tells boys that to be a man is to be:

- Powerful and dominating
- Fearless and in control
- Strong and emotionless
- Successful – in the boardroom, the bedroom and on the ball field

It perpetuates the idea that women are less value than men and exist primarily to fulfill the sexual desires of men. The teachings of the Man Box ALLOW violence against women, girls and other marginalized groups to persist.

In reality men are just as much part of the solution as they are part of the problem. There are endless resources for parents, teachers, and coaches who are around young men to frame these conversations, offer a curriculum, and raise the standard in and out of the locker room.

Learn more about A Call To Men and the next generation of men at www.acalltomen.org.

How Do I Get This Person to Safety?

When you find someone in a situation where they are incoherent, intoxicated, alone - the only question any individual should ask themselves is "How do I get this person to safety?"

Under no circumstance is this EVER an invitation to take advantage of someone. Under no circumstance is this EVER an excuse for rape.

1 in 4 females will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. If you live in a sorority of 60 girls, that is 15 of your best friends. If you have a mom, sister, and an aunt, that is one of you.

The frequency of sexual assault is hard to grasp and can be horrifying to those who do not know these statistics. If you are thinking to yourself that those statistics cannot possibly be true - you have proven my point that we have great strides to make as a society in creating awareness about these issues.

The victim blaming that accompanies rape, is equally as horrifying. We MUST cease to ask "how drunk were you?", "what were you wearing", "why'd you get lost from your friends?"

Please understand, asking these questions of a survivor of rape is extremely traumatizing and a danger to our society. The above questions completely lack accountability for the individual who sexually assaulted the victim. The individual who looked at the victim, saw they were drunk, unable to say "no", defend themselves, or comprehend what is happening and thought "I could have sex with this person and they probably won't care or remember." THAT is the person who needs to be held accountable. THAT is the person we need to question.

WE PERPETUATE sexual assault and rape when we collectively agree that if a girl is dressed a certain way, drunk enough, or "irresponsible" enough, the rapist is not to be held accountable. This mentality hast to change.

Whether we are aware of it or not, we all know and care about someone who has been a victim of rape. This is an unfortunate reality, but we can change it. Start today by sharing a resource from RAINN in your own network.

What I Want Men to Know About Sexual Assault

I once told a #MeToo to a respectable male colleague. It was about a former professional relationship with a different colleague. Former because our working relationship was contingent on one thing: my ability to appease his ego. Because I was uninterested in him sexually and refused his advances after our first meeting, we never collaborated again.

When I told my respectable male colleague about the situation he was visibly disgusted by the man’s behavior but then said aloud “I mean, what do you expect when you look the way you do? I bet you can’t go anywhere.”

I know he was well-intentioned, wanting to diffuse the situation and compliment me at the same time. And he was right. Women. Cannot. Go. Anywhere. Without being sexually harassed or assaulted. This is not unique to me. This is not related to appearance. Women cannot go anywhere without being sexually harrassed or assaulted. The sheer number of #MeToos stories pouring out of our mouths are proof of that.

As women, how we present ourselves professionally, how we respond to advances, how we defend ourselves when out on a Saturday night, how we dress, how we behave in a room of male colleagues, how we look, how we politely decline a date, how we act, how intelligent, successful and respectable we are as humans - unfortunately - does not make a difference.

We’re punished if we stand our ground, taken advantage of if we’re too kind, ridiculed if we stay silent for “too long” and only looking for money or attention once we gain a voice.

I want every young man to know:

You are capable of being masculine, strong, and successful without manipulating, controlling, or sexualizing women along the way.

Dominating a woman does not make you worthy. Making more money than your significant other does not make you worthy. Squashing the ambition of your significant other to make yourself feel comfortable does not make you worthy.

You are inherently worthy.

We need to foster a society where a man’s ability to be the sexual desire of females does not determine his manhood, his power, or his self-worth.

Please read more about being an effective male ally here.

Note: Men also experience sexual assault at the hands of women/other men and I do not minimize the seriousness or frequency of the male experience with sexual harassment and assault.

Am I in an Abusive Relationship?

Contrary to what most media tells us, abusive relationships do not always include violence. Emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse is just as traumatic as physical violence, and can often be a precedent to physical harm.

Do these situations sound familiar?

- Your partner has destroyed your things, threatened to harm your pet, or caused injury to your pet.

- Your partner displays jealous or possessive tendencies but states that he/she is only looking after you and that it is because he/she loves you.

- You find yourself frequently justifying your partner’s behavior to your friends and family. You take the blame when your partner becomes upset or angry with you.

Abusers want power and control. Consult the wheel to the right to see if these situations apply.

If you need help call, chat, or find resources here.

KNOW AND SHARE THE STATS:

• 4 in 5 victims of domestic violence are women.

• Each year, 4.7 million American women experience physical violence by an intimate partner.

• 3 women on average are murdered by a boyfriend or husband each day.

• Domestic violence costs the economy between $10-67 billion each year in health care services and lost worker productivity.

What Does #NoMore Mean?

The blue NO MORE symbol is the first overarching, unifying symbol to express universal support for ending domestic violence and sexual assault. Survivor-inspired, the unifying symbol represents our goal of zero gender-based violence.

I say #NoMore because:

Love does not humiliate. Love does not isolate. Love does not control. 

Love is filled with respect, freedom, and trust. 

Find out more about this movement here and get involved by sharing on your social media channels why you say #NoMore.

How to Respond When a Friend Confides

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and part of creating a more compassionate society as a whole is in how we respond to sexual assault survivors.

As the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization, RAINN, explains:

“Sexual assault is a violent act to humiliate, terrorize and degrade the victim, with survivors feeling fear of rejection, humiliation, shame, and degradation as part of a host of emotions they experience. Fear of being judged or being seen as liars are two prevalent reasons for not assisting in the judicial process. For many male victims, the shame and secrecy are compounded by the fear that their own sexuality may have something to do with being targeted, or at least that others will think so.”

The distress caused by sexual assault is neurological, biological, and psychological – making trauma-informed care a non-negotiable necessity. Being trauma-informed simply means understanding that your reaction as a friend, acquaintance, or society member toward someone who has been sexually assaulted has the power to do further damage. That said, it also has the power to begin their healing process.

To achieve the latter, here are five responses to help you be a compassionate listener and trauma-informed confidant for survivors of sexual assault.

“I’m sorry this happened.” Acknowledge their experience and express empathy. Say things like, “This must be really tough for you.”

“It’s not your fault.” Reassure, reassure, reassure. This is not their fault, you are not judging them. There is never an excuse for sexual violence. Clothing, level of sobriety, and being alone are not invitations or justifications for an act of sexual assault against another human.

“I believe you.” Don’t use words like “alleged” or “supposed.” While the accused has the right to remain innocent until proven guilty, the victim has a right and emotional need to be believed. There is an incredible campaign that focuses entirely on this called Start By Believing. It demonstrates the crucial importance of believing someone who comes forward.

“I’m here for you.” Be an attentive listener, but also be comfortable with periods of silence and the possibility that your physical presence could be more meaningful than what you say.

“You can trust me.” Reassure them you won’t judge and you’ll protect their privacy and confidentiality. Keep that promise.

“Can we take you to the hospital?” Medical attention is always needed, even if the assault happened a while ago. It is possible your friend or acquaintance is unaware there are designated facilities that are prepared to meet their needs. It can also feel like a very scary or intimidating process to seek help. Here in Boise, one of the best resources we have is FACES Victim Center. Law enforcement reporting, medical services and forensic exams can be done onsite in one visit at no charge to the client.

According to the latest statistics by RAIIN, for every 100 rapes, 32 are reported to the police, 7 will lead to an arrest, 2 of those rapists will spend one single day in prison. 98 rapists will walk free. A friend, colleague, or acquaintance confiding in you is often the first step they will take in their reporting process. Being compassionate, supportive and simply believing them can make a difference in their immediate emotional state, as well as encourage a cultural shift. Our justice system will not change the treatment of victims until our society changes the treatment of victims.

To learn more about the damaging effects of victim blaming and victim shaming in various justice systems read about Denim Day here and join us in our efforts to raise awareness surrounding these issues.

What is Denim Day?

Why denim? In the late 90’s an 18-year-old Italian girl was sexually assaulted by her 45-year-old male driving instructor. While he was initially convicted of the crime and sent to prison, the ruling was later overturned by the Italian Supreme Court because the justices felt that because the victim wore tight jeans, she must have helped remove them thereby making the act consensual.

The following day the women of the Italian Legislature protested this decision by wearing jeans to work. As news of the decision spread, so did the protests. It is now an internationally celebrated awareness campaign that allows us to honor survivors of sexual assault and start conversations about the dangers of victim blaming.

Questions like: “what was she wearing?” “how drunk was she?” “why was she alone?” blame survivors for their assault WHILE PROTECTING PERPETRATORS.

This day brings awareness to the harmful effects of victim blaming and shows how a society that allows victim blaming and shaming to continue in its culture, effects everything - including justice in courts.

Join me the 4th Wednesday of each April to raise awareness about sexual assault and the harmful effects of victim blaming. To find out more visit DenimDay.org.

Know and share the stats

• Every 92 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted

• Every 9 minutes, that victim is a child

• Meanwhile, only 5 out of every 1,000 perpetrators will end up in prison

• 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before they turn 18 years old

• 1 in 3 women experience some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime

• 1 in 5 women are raped, and 1 in 71 men are raped

• 8 out of 10 victims knew their rapist

• 91% of victims of rape and sexual assault are female and 9% are male

• Rape is the most under-reported crime; 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police

• The prevalence of false reporting is low — between 2% and 10%

source: https://www.rainn.org/statistics