What I Want Men to Know About Sexual Assault

I once told a #MeToo to a respectable male colleague. It was about a former professional relationship with a different colleague. Former because our working relationship was contingent on one thing: my ability to appease his ego. Because I was uninterested in him sexually and refused his advances after our first meeting, we never collaborated again.

When I told my respectable male colleague about the situation he was visibly disgusted by the man’s behavior but then said aloud “I mean, what do you expect when you look the way you do? I bet you can’t go anywhere.”

I know he was well-intentioned, wanting to diffuse the situation and compliment me at the same time. And he was right. Women. Cannot. Go. Anywhere. Without being sexually harassed or assaulted. This is not unique to me. This is not related to appearance. Women cannot go anywhere without being sexually harrassed or assaulted. The sheer number of #MeToos stories pouring out of our mouths are proof of that.

As women, how we present ourselves professionally, how we respond to advances, how we defend ourselves when out on a Saturday night, how we dress, how we behave in a room of male colleagues, how we look, how we politely decline a date, how we act, how intelligent, successful and respectable we are as humans - unfortunately - does not make a difference.

We’re punished if we stand our ground, taken advantage of if we’re too kind, ridiculed if we stay silent for “too long” and only looking for money or attention once we gain a voice.

I want every young man to know:

You are capable of being masculine, strong, and successful without manipulating, controlling, or sexualizing women along the way.

Dominating a woman does not make you worthy. Making more money than your significant other does not make you worthy. Squashing the ambition of your significant other to make yourself feel comfortable does not make you worthy.

You are inherently worthy.

We need to foster a society where a man’s ability to be the sexual desire of females does not determine his manhood, his power, or his self-worth.

Please read more about being an effective male ally here.

Note: Men also experience sexual assault at the hands of women/other men and I do not minimize the seriousness or frequency of the male experience with sexual harassment and assault.