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emily fascilla

  • About
  • Accountable Allyship
    • Main Page
    • Resources
    • Glossary
    • Disclaimers
  • Social Justice
    • Human Rights
    • Sexual Assault Awareness
  • Connect
  • Impact Crewneck

30 Is Not The New 20

I posted this TEDTalk a few weeks ago because it is one of my favorites. NOT because I want to scare the shit out of my 20-something peers and make them feel behind, but because clinical psychologist Meg Jay has incredible insight that I think everyone should be exposed to.

It is thought provoking and there is kinda nothing I love more than having my thoughts provoked, folks. 

Spoiler Alert. Meg closes her talk with this gem:

"So claim your adulthood, get some identity capital, use your weak ties, pick your family. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do. You're deciding your life right now."

I mean it when I say, I love this quote. It neatly sums up many of the things I believe in, and desperately want for everyone. If you are not a fan of the way Meg comes at this, here’s how I define it:

Claim Your Adulthood – Take responsibility. This is your life. If it is not up to society, or your parents, your best friends, or your significant other to tell you what your life is going to look like. YOU get to decide that, because YOU are an adult. And if you don’t feel like you get to decide that’s what the phrase “claim your adulthood” is all about. GO GET IT. It’s yours for the taking.

Get Some Identity Capital – This goes back to my post about Knowing Who You Are, if you are still floundering about, wondering who you are, this is the time in your life to find out! Take small steps toward establishing yourself. Defining yourself and who you want to be will give you a clear picture of the life you are trying to create - thus making it easier to actually create. I have always adored this quote by Gandhi: 'Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.' Get to that place!

Use Your Weak Ties – Look around, y’all. The world is your oyster if you make it so. Does your mom’s employee’s best friend run a yoga studio and you secretly dream of being a yoga instructor? Hello, weak tie!  The hardest part about this one is putting yourself (and your dreams) out there – you are going to have to communicate your wants. As the slightly famous, self made, sort-of successful, Oprah Winfrey said, “You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.” Be courageous here. 

Pick Your Family – This one goes back to You Are Who You Surround Yourself With. Stop surrounding yourself with people who make you feel bad. That’s it. Choose the right company, choose the supporters, the ones that will help you rise to the top – not bring you down. I always defer to this quote by Hans F. Hansen, "People inspire you, or they drain you. Pick them wisely.” 

Don’t Be Defined By What You Didn't Know Or Didn't Do – I am preaching this one hard.  I believe in creating your own definition of success. I believe that everything you need to be successful is already inside of you. I believe you have the power to create the life you desire. I believe it is never too late to begin again. If you’re reading this at 20, 30, 40, or 50 and it is speaking to you – do something about it. Just because you are out of your 20’s does not does not does not mean your life cannot change. It does not mean it is too late to find out who you are. If you don’t believe it’s possible, try me. I will help you through. A series of Emily+You dates over coffee or wine and we’ll have you rockin and rollin in no time. Or we can do things virtually. You know where to find me. 

You are deciding your life right now.

Thursday 10.18.18
Posted by Emily Fascilla
 

Cardinal Rules of Skincare

I woke up one day in my mid-twenties and realized my face had aged 20 years overnight. Dramatic? Yeah, sure. But I WAS shocked and disturbed by the wrinkles I saw. I had never had a skincare routine, and had yet to implement the 10 cardinal rules you see below. I now follow these cardinal rules and I have since been aging backwards ever since. Happy to report I’m Benjamin Button.

1. WASH YOUR FACE BEFORE BED

I mean it. Every night. The consequences of not washing your face include:

  • Breakouts

  • Premature Wrinkles

  • Redness/Cracked Skin

  • Dirty Pillow Case

  • 17 Days Worth of Aging for Each Night You Go to Sleep With Make-Up On

If this sounds impossible invest in some wipes like these and do a nice swipe of the ol’ face and neck as you fall into bed. Speaking of bed…

2. WASH YOUR PILLOWCASES WEEKLY OR BI-WEEKLY

FO REAL. You need to. If this sounds awful, go buy a few extra pillow cases so you can be switching them out consistently.

3. DRINK MORE WATER

WATERRRRR. The secret to everything. Including better skin. Drink some, then drink some more. This is the ultimate beauty secret. Hydrate today, wake up flawless tomorrow. It's just the way it works.

4. MOISTURIZE

Moisturizing reduces the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. Dry skin makes these things more apparent. Ask me about my favorite moisturizers if you’re still on the hunt for the perfect one.

It's a little known fact that dry skin often makes you breakout worse. I know, it's counter intuitive because when many of us think  of breakouts an oily faced teen comes to mind.  No, dry skin does you no favors either. So no matter what your skin type, make sure you are moisturizing. An oil free moisturizer is always safe.

Nourishing lashes goes a long way too. There are many natural ways to nourish your lash line, but here's what I use to naturally grow my eyelashes AND my brows. 

5. GO HOLISTIC

I’m a strong believer in holistic health. If your skin is dull and lacks glow – EAT YOUR WAY TO BETTER SKIN. Observe the amount of fresh fruits and vegetables you are consuming. Are you getting enough protein? Antioxidants? Fatty Acids? Think: Salmon, Almonds, Tuna, Blueberries, Blackberries, Artichokes etc.  There are ways to improve your skin naturally – and also eating well is just plain good for you. Mind, body, and skin.

6. ZEN YOUR WAY THERE

Yoga lover? Do it for your skin. Child's Pose and Downward Facing Dog improve circulation, especially in your face. More oxygen = more glow. And while we're here - exercise of any kind can actually make skin appear younger over time. So hit the gym this week to get that aerobic glow for Friday.

7. SLEEP, HONEY

Bags, dullness, and dark circles are increased when we don’t get a good night’s sleep. Set your bedtime for 8 p.m. tonight, capiche?! Okay maybe not 8 p.m. but really try to get your solid 7-8 hours in this week, girl.

Also please do this for your overall health. Breakouts can be due to stress. Not sleeping can equal stress. SLEEP. It will make your waking hours more productive. Do not punish yourself and your potential for greater success by over committing yourself.  It is not OKAY to work until midnight from your bed (remember that thing called quality of life?)

8. WASH YOUR FACE WHEN YOU WAKE UP

I use cold water because I like to torture myself first thing in the morning. Also because I read one time that that’s the only skincare secret the French use so I started going with it? You don’t need to partake in the self-inflicted torture of cold water BUT – you do need to wash it when you wake up. Compromise, my friend. And don’t forget to use a toner (an effective toner is magical) and moisturize the hell out of it (again).

9. FORGET SWIPING LEFT OR RIGHT. SWIPE UP!

Repeated actions have lasting effects. A rock is smoothed overtime by the constant flow of the water. DO NOT APPLY YOUR MOISTURIZER OR PRIMER OR TONER IN DOWNWARD STROKES. Every application should be an upward swipe. Are you following me? If you spend your entire life applying lotion from the forehead down the face or from the chin down the neck, you are literally speeding up gravity's job and pulling your skin down. Do not do this. Related: pat dry your skin. Pat it. Again, do not run the towel down that precious face of yours. It deserves better. 

10. NO WASHCLOTHS ALLOWED

You heard me - splash splash splash that face like the girls you see in commercials. Yes, your sink will be soaking wet by the time you're finished - but better to use a washcloth to dry that up than to wrinkle your face. When you use Rodan + Fields wipes they are pre-packed with peptides to protect you. Also, always avoid wiping or rubbing any of your eye area roughly. It is the most delicate skin you have. Products to repair saggy/puffy eyes here and here. 

That's it! 10 rules to live by. This is your skin, baby! You only get one shot at it. Treat it well. 

Thursday 10.18.18
Posted by Emily Fascilla
 

To Know Someone’s Story is to Love Them

“To know someone’s story is to love them.” – Lori Fascilla

I heard this phrase echoed throughout our home in my childhood. My mother is, and has always been, a strong believer that when we take the time to truly know another human and come to understand their story – we cannot help but love them. It is a belief I am grateful she passed on to me.

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, 1 in 5 U.S. adults will experience a mental health condition in their lifetime.

When we take the time to learn another’s unique experiences, feelings, and perspective we come to understand them better. Seeking to understand is one of the most compassionate acts we can offer one another. Statistically, we all know someone who has either endured or is currently experiencing a mental health condition. If you can think of a friend or family member who has shared in passing that they struggle with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, panic attacks, OCD, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder, or substance use disorder – I urge you to reach out to them. Learn their story.

To the outer world, many individuals with mental health conditions may appear to have an easy, untroubled, or even perfect life. In reality, the inner world those with mental health conditions endure on a daily basis can be painful, isolating and overwhelming.

Mental Health Awareness deserves your attention. I ask you to learn someone’s story, increase your education surrounding this topic, and become a vocal advocate. Help us foster a compassionate society who refuses to silence or shame each other for attributes beyond our control. To support Mental Health is to support the people you love.

Thursday 10.18.18
Posted by Emily Fascilla
 

How to Erase a Past You Don't Love

“Accomplishments don’t erase shame, hatred, cruelty, silence, ignorance, discrimination, low self-esteem or immorality. It covers it up, with a creative version of pride and ego. Only restitution, forgiving yourself and others, compassion, repentance and living with dignity will ever erase the past.” 
― Shannon L. Alder

As Alder so eloquently outlines, there are six keys to moving beyond a past we are not happy with and into a future of peace. Let's break them down together.

Restitution: Restore, rejuvenate, revitalize. Invest in pouring into yourself. In times of trauma or sorrow, write down 10 things that generally make you happy. Do them. If you feel numb while you do them, good. That's normal. Continue to do them. The joy will follow. Revitalize the positivity in your life by doing the things you know the soul of you enjoys - even if you are having difficulty enjoying them at this juncture in your life. Practicing and actively participating in your "love list" eventually begins to restore and rejuvenate you. My love list includes coffee, laughing, re-watching old episodes of The Office, red wine, time with friends, going to the movies, taking a nature walk, cleaning my room, cooking a delicious meal, snuggling up with a good book. These actions provide restitution instantly when I'm at my best, and slowly but surely when I'm at my worst. 

Forgiving Yourself: Self-rejection stunts your growth and keeps you stuck. Release yourself from this. Forgive yourself for all the mistakes you have made, for every moment you wish you had handled differently, for everything you find unacceptable about yourself. Forgive, forgive, forgive. This is the only path to move forward. 

Forgiving Others: Holding a grudge and refusing to forgive someone is, as they say, "like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." Your lack of forgiveness keeps you from being able to move beyond this person. It only harms you. Forgiveness is not telling them "what you did was acceptable" - it is telling them "what you did will no longer have any power over me." It is freeing. It is necessary. 

Compassion: The word compassion is a noun and is perhaps best defined by its synonyms; empathy, care, concern, warmth, love, tolerance, kindness, humanity, and charity. Practice more of this. Compassion is like a muscle, it is strengthened when used frequently. Compassion’s antonyms: indifference and cruelty, have no place in your life.

Repentance: The mistake that brought you to a place of shame, hatred, ignorance or low self-esteem will sometimes require you to go through sincere remorse. Express this remorse to those who you hurt. Express it sincerely. If you do not have the opportunity to say it in person, write a letter. You don't even need to send the letter - just write down the remorse you have for hurting them. Then move on. 

Living with Dignity: A life of dignity is a life of self-respect. It is a life of respect for others. It is a life of growth and grace and staying true to oneself.  As outlined in my favorite book The Four Agreements, “You can measure the impeccability of your word by your level of self-love. How much you love yourself and how you feel about yourself are directly proportionate to the quality and integrity of your word. When you are impeccable with your word, you feel good; you feel happy and at peace.” This is to live with dignity. This is to live beyond your past. 

Thursday 10.18.18
Posted by Emily Fascilla
 

Social Media and Self-Care: Creating Healthy Boundaries

Excellent self-care can be a challenge, especially in these highly technological times. Oftentimes social media is beneficial - something that connects, informs and helps us. However social media also has the tendency to lend itself to unproductive multi-tasking, a constant inundation of negative or useless information, and increased feelings of external judgment or comparison.

Fear not: the benefits of technology can be enjoyed without drawbacks if we implement boundaries.

There are two feelings that help us identify where our boundaries need attention: discomfort and resentment. Discomfort is fairly straightforward: when you feel uncomfortable in a moment or interaction, a boundary is likely being violated. Resentment often means we feel unappreciated, dissatisfied, bitter, or discontent. If you notice a pattern of resentment or discomfort while using social media or technology, it’s time to draw a boundary.

1. Turn off Notifications
You do not need to have real-time notifications of every like, comment, or follow you receive through social media channels. Disable all notifications from Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, LinkedIn etc. on your phone. Turning off alerts prevents you from becoming dependent on the notification loop. New psychology has proven that the instant gratification we get from receiving notifications actually emits dopamine – the happiness hormone. Unfortunately, you have no control over this type of dopamine because it is dependent upon what others think/do/say/click. Instead of depending on their actions for your source of dopamine, create your own surplus of that hormone through dopamine inducing activities like exercise, reducing stress, and taking vitamins.

2. Delete Apps
Write down a list of the most used apps on your phone in a notebook. For one week, keep a tally of when you feel discomfort or resentment from being in one of the apps. At the end of the week, delete the apps with the most tallies.  If apps leave you feeling resentful or uncomfortable it is admirable self-care to remove them from your life. I deleted Snapchat temporarily when I was experiencing discomfort from how much time I was spending in the app each day. I now have it back, and the time away helped me reset. 

3. Lengthen Your Reaction Time
Nothing says you have to immediately respond to a message, inquiry, tweet, email, text, or phone call. Others contact you according to their schedule – they are not thinking of you, your state of mind, or your priorities. Be considerate and respectful, of course, but respond on your time. As someone who sends many emails, texts, and messages – I would rather have a thoughtful response, than a hasty one. No one sends you something with the intent to interrupt your concentration, focus, or personal time. Do not allow an interaction to become an interruption. This goes for those weekend emails, too. Phones have the ability to toggle on a “do not disturb” button that can keep you from receiving work emails or calls during certain hours. They are called smartphones for a reason. Take advantage of it.

4. Remove Yourself from the Comparison Trap
Social media introduced a new kind of comparison. Instead of looking at the lives of celebrities in magazines as a point of unrealistic comparison, we now look at the girl who grew up next door to us or that guy from our college course. It’s like a class reunion every single day. What are they up to? How far have they come? How far have I come? It’s a cycle – and not necessarily a healthy one. Again, if you feel that pattern of discomfort and resentment when you partake in your virtual-class-reunion each day on Facebook and LinkedIn, draw a boundary. Take a break entirely from that social media channel or vow to check it once every other day with a focus only on keeping up with the people you know and love – instead of keeping up with the Joneses. We are all vastly different people and as such, our timeline, choices, and lifestyles will be vastly different. Comparison is unproductive and useless. Your life is not about what other people are doing; your life is about what you are doing.

5. Find Joy in Technology and Social Media
Breaking unhealthy social media habits is easily done by replacing them with something new. There are many wonderful reasons to use technology and social media and I encourage you to seek out what makes you feel good. While you mark down the times technology makes you feel uncomfortable or resentful, also take note of what you enjoy about technology. Maybe you love the way it helps you share your ideas or express your aesthetic taste through photos. Maybe it’s the advice you receive or recommendations your friends near and far give you. Perhaps it’s the infinite amount of information you can consume through a TEDTalk or a podcast. 

To set a boundary is to acknowledge your feelings. Listen to yourself. You know what's best for you.

 

Thursday 10.18.18
Posted by Emily Fascilla
 

The Haitian Secret: Gratitude

In May and June of 2017, I visited the poorest country in our Western Hemisphere, Haiti. My visit was to Wholehearted Home, an incredible nonprofit helping break the ever-so-prevalent cycle of poverty. Wholehearted provides a stable home, wrap-around services, and quality care for orphans who have lost both their parents. Haiti is about an eighth the size of Idaho but has 10 million citizens. There are over 300,000 orphans in Haiti. 

Haiti is what you might expect from a third world country. Corrupt government, hardly any infrastructure, and over half a million people permanently displaced after the earthquake of 2010. If you can find a bathroom, it is rare the toilet inside has plumbing. If it does have plumbing, be sure to never flush anything down it. All toilet paper and waste must be thrown away in a trash bin as their septic systems are not built for anything more. All trash in Haiti is burned and as you may be able to guess by now, there is no recycling. 

Children roam the streets alone. Some with shoes made out of smashed water bottles, tied to the bottom of their feet with string. Many malnourished and hard-pressed to find clean, drinkable water. Natural resources are scarce. Electricity is unreliable when available but in most areas outside Port-au-Prince, Haiti's capital, electricity is nonexistent. 

Its humidity keeps up with its temperature. 90 degrees, 90% humidity. 100 degrees, 100% humidity. Homes, cars, shops, do not have air conditioning. Mosquitoes and scorpions frequent the air and grounds. Tuberculosis, Malaria, and Chikungunya are constant threats to the population. Much of this I knew before ever stepping foot in Haiti. 

But there was something I never anticipated experiencing in my visit: The genuine happiness of Haitians. 

In circumstances where many of us would find a number of opportunities to complain - Haitians speak their gratitude. Each and every day I was in their country I observed Haitians taking time out of their day to vocalize what they were grateful for, often multiple times per day.

When I traveled to Haiti with thorough knowledge of its state of affairs I thought I would experience a depressing, tragic country with despondent people. I experienced the exact opposite. Haiti fosters a culture full of love, hope, selflessness, and the crucial element of gratitude. 

In the states, I am fortunate enough to observe love, hope, and selflessness almost daily. But I hardly ever hear myself or others vocalizing their gratitude. There are fleeting moments throughout the year, posts you can anticipate around Thanksgiving, but as a whole gratitude is missing from our American culture. 

If there is, in fact, a secret to happiness I would argue that vocalizing our gratitude is it. 

In my own life, I enjoy taking time to list what I am grateful for each morning either in my head or on paper. But I rarely share it with my friends, family, colleagues, network - let alone complete strangers. I now believe the act of vocalizing our gratitude to one another is paramount. 

My challenge to those reading this post (and to myself) is to help us foster a society where gratitude is the default - where conversations surrounding what we are grateful for today become the comfortable norm. 

Here's what I know for sure:

  • Being grateful does not require a special occasion where things are exceptional or better than usual.

  • You can start being grateful immediately. In this moment.

  • Your life circumstances do not need to change in order for you to be grateful. 

  • Being grateful does not mean there aren't still things you wish were different or that you could change. 

  • The things you are grateful might have room for improvement or growth - be grateful for them anyway. 

  • And finally, being grateful is not boastful. It's humble. You are not bragging about your life,  you are grounding yourself in appreciation. 

Gratitude is taking a moment to appreciate aspects of our life, circumstances, selves, and loved ones. As imperfect or miniscule as they may be. Life in Haiti is far from perfect. But if you ask a Haitian how they are in the month of May and they will smile and reply "It's mango season."  

Today, I'm grateful for plumbing, air conditioning, and clean water. I'm grateful for shots (woah never thought I'd say that one). I'm grateful for deodorant and showers. I'm grateful for my rights, the laws that protect me and the people who advocate for me. I'm grateful for the privilege to help others and grateful I have the capacity to help others. I'm grateful for my body and my health. I'm grateful for COFFEE!! I'm grateful for my bike, my car, my education. I'm grateful for my home. I'm grateful for my family. I'm grateful for my friends. I am grateful that I have been blessed with this life. My life. I am grateful for this incredible lesson on gratitude from a culture that shocked me to my core.

I will be back, Haiti, I love you dearly. But until then I am grateful for the way you welcomed me into your country. Thank you.

And may we all learn to be grateful for the mangoes.

Esther, age 5, came to Wholehearted Orphanage at 5 days old.

Thursday 10.18.18
Posted by Emily Fascilla
 

Practicing Your Passion

A few years ago a good friend of mine, Matthew Wordell, stopped me on the sidewalk and asked, “What is your passion?” I blurted out the only answer that came to mind, “people.” Feeling put on the spot and like I had given a broad, perhaps unimpressive answer, I followed up with “I love loving people, I love helping people. People are my passion.” It was (and is) the truth. 

Matt has a passion for photography – something so much more tangible. It was easy to see the work and talent he had for his passion (and extremely tempting to compare the two). I asked myself, do I need to identify a different passion? Could yoga be my passion? Writing? Should I take up something more tangible? Measurable? Something with proof?

Short answer: No.

Long answer: If you are able to identify your passion – DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO CHANGE IT. This is what you must pursue, somehow, in some facet of your life.

Being passionate about people is broad. It's hard to measure. But passions are not meant to be measured. Passions are meant to be practiced.

I know not everyone is passionate about other people. In fact, some of my favorite people are so not people-people. There is an important lesson here: no matter what answer you come up with – there is a place for you in this world to practice your passion. We are all different and we are all necessary. I don’t know about you, but if I was responsible for the web programming of our world, we would have never gotten past Internet Explorer. Is web programming even a term? S.O.S.

So I will say it again: IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT YOUR PASSION IS – WHAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU PRACTICE IT.

Whether it's writing, yoga, sports, make-up, fishing, baking, sketching, making others laugh, inspiring, helping, health and fitness, teaching, learning, traveling, reading, singing, coding, creating, designing, or running. Or maybe you identify with Albert Einstein on this one: "I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious." 

Six years after identifying my passion I have been lucky enough to make it part of my career. I now work for a non-profit organization that provides safety, healing and freedom for victims of domestic abuse, sexual assault, human trafficking, and homelessness. In a given year we help thousands of men, women, and children with shelter, counseling, court advocacy, financial literacy, childcare and so much more. We catch people when they fall, we empower them to stand again, we educate them on ways to avoid abusive relationships in the future. My work is all about people. That six letter word I blurted out when I was asked about my passion. 

Perhaps you don’t think you can find a way to work your passion into your career. Great, fine, wonderful. Work it into your life. 

If you know you love reading, but you know you’ll never make a career out of reading, get creative. What are you doing to ensure that you are practicing this passion? Can you make more time for it? Is there a way you share this passion with the world? Volunteer to read kids' books aloud at your local library? Create a reading nook in your home that lends itself to reading being a rejuvenating experience? Hone in on what your passion is and the ways you can fully integrate it into your days, weeks, months, years. If your inner narrative right now is, "my passion will never save a life or change a life, so what's the point?" Look in the mirror. The face staring back is the life you are saving. The face staring back is the life you are changing. 

You deserve to live a quality life where you feel fulfilled. Practicing your passion cultivates such a life in a natural, sustainable, enjoyable way. And BONUS: doing this for yourself makes you a better human overall. A better human overall means a better spouse, sibling, mentor, contributor to society.

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” - Howard Thurman

If you still think practicing your passion is frivolous, just remember how far Einstein got with curiosity. 

Thursday 10.18.18
Posted by Emily Fascilla
 

The Importance of Knowing Yourself

Knowing oneself is paramount to a happy, fulfilling life.

A strong sense of self makes you impervious to negative opinions and fearless in your endeavors. Knowing who you are erases the fear of failure. It aids you when life is tough, it becomes your saving grace. How? At the end of the day - no matter what kind of day it was - you still have yourself. You have you. Always. So your best bet at a blissful life is learning how to lean on yourself, how to push yourself to grow, how to make yourself happy. Your entire life is up to you.

First you need to establish your go-to's. 

What music, books, and activities make you happy when you're sad?  What music, books, and activities give you inspiration when you feel burnt out?  What music, books, and activities make you calm when you're angry? What music, books, and activities give you peace when you're stressed? (If you're coming up blank think back on times when you were happy, inspired, calm, peaceful. Write down the circumstances and the elements of that time.)

Do this for all areas of your life: career, finances, relationships, friendships, school - whatever buckets you spend your time in. Ask yourself: when do I thrive? When do I laugh? When do I feel confident, capable?  

This exercise is an investment in you. When you are able to see what makes you calm on paper, you can put it into action and become calm. This works for each circumstance. Eventually these responses will be innate - it is part of knowing yourself. Your life will become easier to navigate. 

I love lists so I hand write these things and then update and revise them as needed because although I know myself - I am always growing and changing.  The first time I did this was years ago and in almost every column one of the things that always made me feel better was helping others. It was a consistent response in what made me happier and less stressed, but it wasn't something I regularly practiced at the time. Noticing this theme actually lead me to a complete shift in careers - a move I haven't regretted a single day. 

When you feel lost or you are going through a break-up or you are unsure of what the future could or should bring: refer to your list. These things - though simple - hold your answers. 

I fondly refer to my list as "The Good Stuff" and the task I give to you during times of struggle is simple: do more of the good stuff.

If you already know yourself, but something still isn't working and you feel stuck try this: write down two columns side by side. "What I am" and "What I aspire to be." Fill these out respectively. For example, perhaps I am: compassionate, intelligent, healthy, sensible, caring, energetic. Perhaps I aspire to be: fit, efficient, entrepreneur, bilingual. 

Often times feeling unsettled is due to wanting to reach for that second column, but staying put. How can you move toward what you aspire to be? What action steps can you take? Write these down. Because if I know one thing, I know this: it's up to you. 

Thursday 10.18.18
Posted by Emily Fascilla
 

Creating Unshakable Confidence

Gandhi said, “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” I agree – but I also make the argument that this is the recipe for confidence too.

Confidence is not about becoming someone you are not. You do not need to be more outgoing to be confident. You do not need to learn how to speak in public. You do not need to get rid of any complexities that make you, you. You simply need to know what you are good at, establish your value, and make daily contributions. Unshakable confidence is about embracing WHO YOU ARE. It is shifting the focus from “I’m not this, I’m not that, I wish I could be this, I wish I could be that.” To “I am in control of myself, who I am, and how I live my life. I am deciding to value my true self.” The more you have embraced your true self the more effortlessly confident you become. Doors of opportunity appear everywhere. Life can be lived with less fear and more joy.

This is my unconventional yet effective pathway to get to unshakable confidence.

1. Make Genuine Contributions

Experiment with the way you are contributing to the different areas of your life. Are you making a difference at work? Do you leave people feeling better than when you met them? Are you contributing to a cause larger than yourself? Do you participate in connecting with your community? Do you make someone's life easier? Are you helpful to your coworkers?

I fully believe in the link between meaningful contributions and confidence. I think it is difficult (if not impossible) to have low self-confidence when the work you are doing is valuable and the contributions you are making are meaningful.

Do not overwhelm yourself thinking this needs to be career oriented, or life-changing to "count". Simply open your eyes. Look around your house, your job, your community. Are there ways you can help your spouse? Streamline and improve a work process? Get involved with your city? Identify where you can contribute and do it in a meaningful way.

2. Remember You Are In Control

“The more you love your decisions the less you need others to love them.”

Did you do something slightly unconventional recently? And now it has you feeling a bit in the spotlight? There are people who have negative reactions to anything outside the norm. But remember this: there are centuries of people throughout history who strayed from 'normal' -doing things others thought was crazy - usually only because it was new or different. Without these people we would not have Apple, we would not have made strides toward equal rights, we would not have cake on a stick. 

Innovation comes from those who are bold enough to blaze trails and test waters.

So be different. Embrace your unique perspectives and approaches. Those are valuable. Think about your very best friend or your spouse. Do you love them because they are just like everyone else? NO. You love them for the ways they are different from everyone else. Learn to give yourself that same courtesy. Love yourself for the ways you are different.

And finally, remember this: no one is noticing. Especially successful people! Successful people are working on their own lives! So you got married earlier than everyone. Or you’re not even close to marriage. So you graduated from college and you work in a restaurant. So you took 8 years to graduate college. So you had kids before your friends did. So you left your hometown and never want to return. So you never left your hometown. It doesn't matter.

It is your life. You get to decide what you are doing with it. You are in control. So if you are truly, in your heart, okay with your decisions – you do not need others to be okay with them. Other people's reactions to your decisions are not of your concern. Your concern is you.

Have your own best interest in mind, and trust that you know what that is better than anyone else.

3. Stop Judging Others Harshly

When you judge others harshly your psyche gets in the poor habit of thinking that others are judging you that harshly. Spending time looking at other people’s lives and having negative thoughts about them, really only affirm negative thoughts in your own life. Think about it. Unless you’re one ballsy being – they will never know what you think about them. So having those negative thoughts only does damage to YOU. Stop it.

Be kind in your thoughts about others, and it will help you be kind in your thoughts about yourself.

4. Accept Your "Flaws"

Once you accept your flaws no one can hold them against you. You do not need to be in a constant battle with yourself.

There are some things that are out of our control. Often times when we think of our flaws, we identify a number of physical attributes. We resent the body type we have or the nose we were born with, or the hair type we have. I beg you to not even consider these things as “flaws” in the first place but if you MUST – then learn to accept them. Then move past them. 

These are not limitations. These are not things that make you lesser than another human. These are attributes – a layer of you. A layer of you that does not in any way define who you are.

As C.S. Lewis said, “You do not have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."

Forget about your weaknesses, focus on your strengths. The beauty of this is, that once you have accepted what you define as your shortcomings, you can move past them. You can put all of your energy into improving yourself - instead of wasting your energy demeaning yourself.

5. Seek the Uplifting Ones - Rid Yourself of the Toxic Ones

Sometimes lack of confidence can come from surrounding yourself with the wrong people. “People either inspire you or drain you – pick them wisely.” Make an effort to examine some of your closest relationships with friends and family. Do you have someone who constantly undermines you? Makes you feel bad about yourself? They have to go.

“There is a special place in hell for women who do not support other women.” Truly successful people are the ones who are reaching out their hands to help others up the ladder. If you are around people who do not support or encourage you, I ask you to think about that relationship carefully.

You can be doing your best work at improving your self-confidence but keeping people like this around will have you in the dance of “two steps forward, one step back.” Refer to my article on You Are Who You Surround Yourself With for more on this concept.

6. Exercise the Body and the Mind

We all know the vast benefits of physical exercise. Increased confidence is one of them - and not because of the improved physique. Studies show the endorphins you get from working out boost confidence. Be sure to make time for movement in your life. Those happy feeling endorphins will help you love yourself a little bit more each time you hit the gym, walk the dog, ski in the mountain fresh air, or go on a run.

That said, do not neglect to exercise your mind – “learning is a lifelong journey” – just because you are out of school does not mean you are “done” learning. We are never done learning. Read books, articles, watch TED Talks, go to cooking classes, take skiing lessons, find your groove. Find your way to expand your mind and skills – this is imperative to your confidence.

Inaction breeds doubt and fear, while action breeds confidence and courage.

When we are inactive in taking charge of our own lives – we are more apt to feel worthless, unnecessary, or unloved. Take action, hotshot.

7. Always Remember Confidence Comes From the Inside

You will notice I have not listed “get a facial” or “go on a shopping spree” or "lose ten pounds." I fully endorse treatin yo self and getting fit but when it comes to confidence: it will only be truly impervious if it shines from the inside. Alternatives that are related to your outer appearance will not leave you with genuine confidence. They might leave you with a quick boost. But this article is about creating the type of confidence that doesn’t fade. The type of confidence that carries you through. The type of confidence that harsh words and difficult times cannot deflate.

Leave this post feeling empowered that your decisions are exactly that, yours. You are a unique individual with strengths and attributes that others admire – but more importantly, strengths and attributes that you need to appreciate and admire yourself. REALIZE that you are valuable and irreplaceable and the best way to get through this life is with confidence. The alternative is painful and tedious.

“No one else is you – and that is your power.”  - Dave Grohl

Thursday 10.18.18
Posted by Emily Fascilla
 

You Are Who You Surround Yourself With

“You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.” – Jim Rohn

Praise hands, praise hands, praise hands. I couldn't have said it better myself, Jim. 

I have the privilege of living with two of the most intelligent, naturally gorgeous, driven, and hilarious and women I know.  They bring to my life inspiration, support, love, new hobbies, and fun on a consistent basis. Their daily actions show me how to be a good friend, loving daughter and hard worker. 

When I leave my house during the week I head to work where I am surrounded by incredible colleagues who share my vision and passion for bettering our world. I spend most of my time working and being at home so it is critical that I am surrounded by the right people in these two environments. I am blessed to be able to say that I am. I am blessed to be able to say I am a better "me" because of who I surround myself with.

The rest of my time is spent with equally amazing people because I choose to spend it with them.

This has meant gracefully letting go of all different forms of relationships throughout the years. Before we get into how to let unhealthy relationships go, let's establish some boundaries. The following are not valid excuses to keep someone in your life:

- You have always hung out with them

- They are family

- You have known them for "x" amount of years

- They have been around for major life events

- You fear change

- They provide some status to you but your emotional health suffers

- You're comfortable with them

Excuses are no good here. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" is an excellent, straightforward rule to live by, and can inspire you to take action when you know in your gut that someone is no longer benefiting your life or growth rate. It can be painful to let someone go - you feel like you're not only releasing that person, but the memories you have shared. And although they might be a person who never had your best interest in mind, that doesn't mean you two did not share meaningful moments. In my experience, allowing a slow, graceful distancing of the relationship is the most effective route. It gives you time to grieve that friendship or colleague, negates the need for a dramatic exit, and allows you to simultaneously introduce new, healthy, relationships. 

Imagine a world where the only people who exist are the ones who lift you up, inspire you, support you, help you grow, help you succeed, give you love. You have the power to create that world.

If you are looking to give back more, become a professional, improve your fitness level, build your confidence or take control of your life, find women who are doing just that and surround yourself with them.  I know at least one of each of these so if you need me to make an introduction, holla at ya girl.  

Thursday 10.18.18
Posted by Emily Fascilla
 

3 Simple Self-Care Practices

Self-care has been a hot topic for the past few years. And with good reason. Contrary to what its name might imply self-care is selfless. Say it with me: self-care is selfless. When you take time to recharge your batteries you perform better in your roles as a friend, daughter, wife, mother, employee, student, mentor and so on. We are all constantly juggling multiple roles and this reality has the ability to exhaust and deplete us if we neglect ourselves.

There are a few things that are universal to each of us, no matter where we are on our life journey. These three, simple tactics can be immediately and easily implemented - and the combination of them packs a life-changing punch.

1. Get adequate sleep

You know the drill. 7 – 8 hours is the sweet spot. BONUS: The earlier in the night you go to sleep, the better. Adequate sleep has been shown to improve memory, increase creativity, decrease inflammation, slow down aging, aid with weight loss, relieve stress, and make your waking hours more focused and productive.

2. Eat whole foods

Real foods. Do not make your body live off of Clif Bars, prepackaged smoothies or fast food. The less ingredients in packaged food, the better. One of the best rules of thumb is, can you pronounce everything on the label? If not, don't put it in your body. Live by this on a regular basis. That said, life is not about perfection, it is meant to be lived, tasted, enjoyed. Make whole foods the rule, and your favorite indulgences the exception. I would be lying if I told you I don't do back-flips over the deliciousness fro-yo. But it's my exception, it's not my rule. Eating food that lacks nutrients is NOT QUALITY and therefore will not lead to a quality life. Eat quality. A healthy diet has been shown to increase your energy levels throughout your day, prevent illness and disease, improve your mood and your brain function. 

3. Write a gratitude list

You can always find things to be grateful for. Always. Here’s one I did for Thanksgiving. Outlining what you have to be thankful for creates instant connection with your current circumstances. It is a no-pressure way to care for yourself because you are highlighting the current positive. Focusing on the good in your life attracts more good in your life. If you feel really, really down what about being thankful for your eyesight? Or your hearing? Or your memory? These are things that are not guaranteed. Gratitude has been shown to improve psychological health, increase empathy, reduce aggression, improve self-esteem, and even decrease feelings of depression.

As Van Gogh says, "Great things are done by a series of small things brought together." I know it may seem difficult to believe that these small actions can be life-changing, but it is scientifically and anecdotally proven that the sum of these simple efforts that can radically impact your life. Actions do not need to be complicated to have an impact. We brush our teeth twice a day and it keeps us from a lifetime of rotting teeth. With just a little bit of preparation and commitment you'll be preventing disease, improving your mood, increasing your empathy and instilling imperative balance in your life.

"Self-Care is a divine responsibility." - Danielle LaPorte

Monday 01.01.18
Posted by Emily Fascilla